Time is ripe to get concession from tailor who murdered my colleagues, says analyst


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

Local political analyst Zarar Khuhro on Tuesday noted how it was the opportune time to seek out a discount from the tailor who had come over to the newsroom of his organisation and gunned down 17 of his colleagues because of some dispute with one of them.

“As soon as I heard the gunshots, I cautiously crept out of my office and saw the attacker rushing out of the newsroom, with more than a dozen of my neighbours lying in a pool of blood,” he said. “I rushed towards the balcony and saw down to see him fleeing the scene, with three of our security staff also lying dead, outside.”

“Now, I’m a realist, I am, so I immediately started thinking: is this fellow a tradesman of some sort? And if so, isn’t this the ideal time to get some discount of some sort?”

“Now the fellow has been apprehended and is under custody and all, but the eventual case promises to drag on, for lack of witnesses because the CCTV cameras weren’t working that day, plus he is a surprisingly prosperous tailor with a thriving practice who has hired a good lawyer,” he said, referring to Mushtaq “Blade” Hassan. “He is also a local strongman who has political connections.”

Khuhro says that the news of the multiple murders, which has spread far and wide, has adversely affected the business of said tailor and an oppurtunity for a concession has presented itself.

“Honest, this is probably the best time to get something out of the Blade,” he said. “Look, I’m from the Machiavelli school of realism.”

“Morality, when it comes to the annual winter-suiting budget, is just a strategic tool to get what you want,” he said. “After that, it’s disposable.”

“I’m not joking. Nor am I saying concessions will be given. But, yes, coming to the side of a local business facing great criticism, and some degree of isolation, may well pay off,” he said. “No harm trying.”

When one of the survivors from the newsroom protested against Khuhro’s statements on social media, he replied, “Here’s my answer: I call it like I see it and do so openly without pretence. No one has to like it.”

“Furthermore, I don’t care what people think. I care only about my own conscience,” he said. “I don’t care what people think.”

Khuhro then proceeded to call the president of the Karachi Press Club to tell him that he didn’t care what people thought. Then his colleagues at his organisation. Then other journalists in Islamabad, Lahore and Bhakkar.

He proceeded to announce his indifference to what people thought on his social media accounts.

“I don’t care what people think, I really don’t,” he said, crying himself to sleep while in foetal position.