Saudi govt issues arrest warrants against hit squad for ‘sloppy execution of murder’


(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

RIYADH – The Saudi government has issued arrest warrants of the 15-man hit squad it had hired to murder Saudi dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi over charges of doing a ‘sloppy execution of a premeditated murder’.

The warrants come in the wake of immense international pressure on the Saudi government following demands into the investigation of the disappearance of Khashoggi, who was believed to have been killed after his entry into the Saudi consulate in Istanbul few weeks ago.

A spokesperson for the Saudi royal family has said that the authorities have been left horrified in the wake of details emerging in the past few weeks. “We are shattered. We are speechless. If such state-sponsored sheer brutality for which resources of the highest order were dispensed are to be laid bare and made a spectacle for the entire world to be disgusted at us, what’s the point really?”

Following the warrants, Saudi government has reached out to governments across the world and has asked them to share intelligence of other similar cases where their hitmen have done a poor job.

“It’s terrible that professionals like them can think they can outsmart a regime like ours.”

“Kids, we’ve been doing this for decades. Please,” said the spokesperson as he rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, Turkish authorities have stated that the entire situation was ‘deeply disturbing on so many levels’. “Not only was it a complete mess that we had to deal with this since it happened on our soil but the fact that we never knew this was possible for silencing dissent. If anything we’ll have to up our game.”