Calamitous Asia Cup exit gave nation much needed distraction from political crises: Sarfraz

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(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

DUBAI – Following back to back resounding defeats against India, and then the exit from the tournament after the loss against Bangladesh, Pakistan skipper Sarfraz Ahmed told the media that his side’s performances in the Asia Cup gave the nation much needed respite from the crises that the country was engulfed in.

While addressing a press conference, the Pakistan captain said that the first defeat against archrivals India was meant to offer a distraction to the already grieving ruling party – Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf, following the release of former premier Nawaz Sharif.

The skipper said the team acted in national interest and that ‘who would have wanted to see Kaptaan cry… AGAIN?’

The statement came following harsh criticism of the Pakistani cricket team’s performance in Asia Cup.

“Bhai dekhain itni mushkil say tou chupp huey thay Kaptaan elections main jeet kay baad,” said Ahmed during a presser. “Thunday dil say sochain, Kaptaan ab humain hee gaaliyaan denay main itnay musroof hogaey poori qaum kay saath keh sab bhool gaey din main kya tamasha huwa.”

Sharif along with his daughter and son-in-law were released from prison by the Islamabad High Court following suspension of their sentences that had been handed down by an accountability court in July.

“Agar hum yeh na kertay tou bhai yaqeen jaano yeh bhai jaan dharnay dey detey pooray mulk main apni hee hukoomat main,” said a teary-eyed Ahmed.

Besides a mixed reaction from political circles, the former premier’s release was met with a decidedly strange reaction by a segment of the media.

ARY went off air following the verdict that suspended Sharif’s prison sentence before returning back on air with visuals showing renowned journalists Arshad Bhatti and Sabir Shakir crying profusely while holding each other.

Pakistani skipper Sarfraz Ahmed also pointed to the incident in his presser following a critical question by a journalist of the same media group. “Bhai jaan, aap na bolain. Hum yeh hurkat na kertay tou aap kay channel ki do takay ki izzat naheen rehti,” said Ahmed.

“Bhai aap log 3 bajay faisaly kay baad ro rahay thay aur humnay 4:30 bajay aap ko ek jaiz wajah day di ronay ki: 2 for 3 in 4 overs. Kaisa?”

Analysts suggest there may be weight in Ahmed’s claims as GEO TV’s primetime news anchor Shahzeb Khanzada dedicated half of his show to cry over the cricket defeat before ending his program with a “oh and like we mentioned earlier, Nawaz Sharif was released today but is per kal baat kerain gay, haan?”

Sarfraz Ahmed’s most difficult presser ended on a highly emotional note. “Woh kehtay hain na ‘I like to walk in the rain so that nobody sees me crying’. Bhai, humari bayhuda shikast woh baarish thee aap sab kay lieye jo court kay faislay per dhaarain maar ker ro rahay thay.”