(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
ISLAMABAD – The federal government in Pakistan is planning to announce a new national holiday after one of its leading ministers was captured tying his own shoelaces, The Dependent has learnt.
In what the ruling Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf (PTI) administration is describing as a ‘soul-stirringly human image of politics’ Asad Umar, the Minister for Finance, Revenue and Economic Affairs who is thought to be the person in the picture, can be seen kneeling on a $50,000 silk Iranian carpet fastening his laces together without any help whatsoever.
“We were voted-in on an agenda of eradicating privilege, elitism and corruption from politics and that is exactly what we are delivering,” said a Information Minister Fawad Chauhdry. “Only this morning, I was caught up by a heavy bout of sneezing and at the end of it, I wiped my own nose using my assistant’s hand. I put the handkerchief between his fingers myself and moved the whole thing for him. We promised change and we are delivering it,” he said before sneezing and grabbing for his assistant’s hand again.
The photograph of Umar is one of a number of recent images of leading PTI figures that have flashed across news sites and social media platforms showing them engaging in everyday human activities like queuing up for public transport, brushing their own teeth and having breakfast. One picture even shows Ali Muhammad Khan, the Minister of State for Parliamentary Affairs, taking time off from ranting against political opponents, minorities and policemen, to offer one of the five daily prayers without anyone standing next to him to tell him the words or the sequence of postures. “I even remembered what to recite during the sajdah,” his is reported to have said afterwards beaming like a child.
The new holiday, which has provisionally been dubbed ‘Solidarity with Gullible Peasants Day’ is set to be scheduled annually for 25 April, the date on which some people believe that party leader Imran Khan changed his own socks for the first time as a four-month old baby to ease the burden on his army of servants and nannies. Potential events and activities include driving yourself to work, clocking in a nine-to-five day, and cooking your own dinner.
“It’s going to be the most fun mundane day ever,” said Asif Akram a PTI supporter from Lahore upon hearing the announcement. “Who cares about public infrastructure, meaningful social reform and education, this is exactly the kind of Naya Pakistan we voted for.”
Other political figures are also getting in on the spirit. At a recent press conference with reporters, Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) President Shabaz Sharif decided to ditch his regular gold-encrusted chair for a hand-carved wooden piece which once belonged to the Mughal Emperor Akbar. “Under this new climate, one has to become more in-tune with the masses. We in the PML-N are determined to act more regular until the first chance we get to put these plebs back in their place and show them who is boss. After all, nobody got into politics to make their own dastardly tea. It’s absolutely absurd.”