(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
KARACHI – Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) lawmaker Dr Aamir Liaquat has immediately confirmed his availability for the next Indo-Pak war after the recent remarks of Indian Army Chief in which he whipped up war hysteria all over again.
Talking to journalists outside the guest house where he has been camped since September 16, waiting to meet Prime Minister Imran Khan since the premier’s official visit to Karachi, Liaquat said he had always kept an ironed khaki uniform hanging in the closet for this particular occasion.
“If Narendra Modi is The Butcher of Gujrat, I am no less than being a Halwai of Burns Road myself,” he asserted.
The occasional anchorperson recalled his 2016 Ramzan transmission teaser in which he dramatised himself as a soldier and embraced martyrdom.
“It wasn’t an ad. Those were real enemy soldiers whom I killed before sacrificing myself for the national cause and then getting a rebirth as a PTI leader – like so many do,” he insisted.
Terming his patriotic struggle for Pakistan’s supremacy as “Zarb-e-Mango”, the televangelist went on to warn India of stern action in case a war is waged.
He said, “I can defeat the Indian army chief singlehandedly with the wittiness of my hate speech.”
When asked about his whether he believed that peace was the ultimate solution of the Indo-Pak relations, he nodded, but said, “Yes. We have to slice them and make their tiny pieces in order to survive in this fifth generation warfare.”