(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
Speaking on the 41st anniversary of General Zia ul Haq’s overthrow of Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto’s democratically elected government in ‘Operation Fair Play,’ local liberal Ahmad Murad blamed the former President and military strongman for the country’s current state of radicalization, and his receding hairline.
“If you trace the history of this country carefully, you can just see that Zia ul Haq taking power is where it all went wrong. Like literally everything” he said.
“Things have really gotten out of control. At first I was only losing a few hairs and now I have lost almost all of them. All I have left is the fringes, and even that is because I jealously guard them and apply oil every day” he went on to say.
“This country has really gone of the track since that fateful day. The terrorism problem is out of control and even the toupe doesn’t work anymore” he lamented.
“And that isn’t even the tip of it. Just yesterday I stubbed my big toe really bad on the kitchen table and just immediately cursed out Zia ul Haq for implementing policies that resulted in that unfortunate incident.”
“I tried reading some Nadeem F Paracha to calm me down after but even that has stopped having the same effect” he ended.