Cristiano Ronaldo settles GOAT debate with facial hair

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(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

MOSCOW – With the FIFA World Cup 2018 providing the perfect platform for the perpetual debate on who is football’s Greatest Of All Time, Cristiano Ronaldo appears to have settled it in the group stage, analysts suggest.

This comes despite the Portuguese superstar missing a penalty in the crunch game against Iran, in the final group match.

Ronaldo who struck four goals in the first two matches for Portugal, and is still four goals behind the record breaking veteran Own Goal in the race for Golden Boot, has established himself as the GOAT with facial hair on his chin during the 1-0 win over Morocco.

“That goatie sanctions him as the GOAT,” said Himenez Rodrigues, social media GOAT data analyst who monitors thousands of comments every day on the subject.

However, while football analysts say Ronaldo – who competes with Lionel Messi for the Ballon D’Or with many believing that Pele and Diego Maradona are ahead of both on the GOAT race – has settled the debate in football, sports GOAT data analysts say that he might have done so in all of sport.

“Neither (Roger) Federer nor (Rafael) Nadal come close in terms of facial hair – so that’s tennis settled,” says Nicholas Jacques, a senior analyst. “LeBron James-Michael Jordan? Nope basketball also done. Muhammad Ali? Usain Bolt? Don Bradman? Michael Phelps? Michael Schumacher? Wayne Gretsky? Nope not a single goatee out there.”