(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
LAHORE – Reiterating the Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaaf’s high standards of inclusion within the party, PTI central leader Asad Umer has said at a press conference that the party should not be assumed to accept Zaeem Qadri, even though the assumption would be absolutely correct.
“Just because the fellow has left the PML-N and is a worthy electable,” said Fawad Chaudhry at the press conference, “doesn’t mean we are to be expected to take him into our party, no questions asked, despite them being accurate expectations.”
“Qadri will be expected to go through our thorough, 5-second-long scrutiny process if he wishes to be a part of the Tehrik…” said PTI leader Shireen Mazari, trailing off while reading a message on her cellphone.
“Sorry folks, I just got word from the Chairman that Qadri will be exempt from aforementioned tough vetting process.”
“We will not forget the amount of trash-talking he used to do about the PTI,” said party spokesperson Naeem-ul-Haq.
“Therefore, we have sent him not more than 4 fruit-baskets with ‘Best Wishes’ cards on them, requesting him to come over. Four, that’s it!”
“Damn, this is a pathetic bunch to watch,” said Sheru, at the same presser.
“Have some self-respect, guys. We’ve been through this. Now excuse me, while I drink water out of a toilet bowl.”