(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)
A slightly roughed up Imran Khan reading off a cue card held by an unnamed party worker has said that he won’t be blackmailed by anyone in his own party over election tickets.
Responding to allegations that he was being pressured by certain quarters of his party, Imran appeared in a video message with a gag around his neck and his hands seemingly tied behind his back to assert his writ over his party.
“My name is Imran Khan and I am safe and happy. I am not being blackmailed. I repeat, I am not being blackmailed” he said in the video, in which he was also holding up a copy of The Dependent to prove that the video was recorded recently.
“However, I have decided to make new lists of candidates for reserved seats and all other seats, but I repeat, I am by no means being blackmailed and I would never allow anything of the sort either.”
“No there are no problems in the PTI. We are all very happy and working together towards a nayya Pakistan. I would also like to assure tha . . . tha . . . OUCH!” he said as an unknown person in a ski mask and PTI scarf took a left hand to his gut when he seemed to misread the cue cards being held up for him.
“If you could just bring it a little closer it would make things much easier for me” he went on to add.
The video cut to black soon after with Imran pleadingly looking at a stranger in the distance and asking “How did I do?”
For reasons of clarity, The Dependent contacted Bani Gala to ask why Imran was seen holding our weekly copy instead of a daily to prove he was alive, but our calls were attended only by someone breathing heavily into the receiver.
The Dependent later received a note written in magazine cuttings that simply read “you guys are great. Xoxoxo.”