The Dependent EXCLUSIVE excerpts from Reham Khan’s book!

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(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

The Dependent has obtained a manuscript of Reham Khan’s upcoming book (working title: Ikk vaari faer, SHER!) The following are some excerpts.

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When he proposed, I still didn’t know whether I wanted to marry him or not. So, just to be absolutely sure, I made him take an online personality quiz. “Which Spice Girl are you?”

He turned out to be Baby Spice, which was no Posh, but good enough.

It was only later when I found out that he had cheated on the test and the real answer of his profile was : “You are no spice girl.”

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I always knew he was a cheapskate and didn’t like to spend money, even on food. But it was a shock when, on my first day in Bani Gala I learned that every morning the members of the household have to go out and scavenge for food.

“This is how it has been for generations” he told me.

“As a woman you should go out and do the gathering bit, and then later, you should go out and do the hunting bit too. And they say I am not progressive. Hmph.”

I stood there in silence, shocked, as he handed me a spear and a headdress to be worn throughout the hunt.

He then went back to pumping irons and asked me to have something ready for breakfast in an hour.

 

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He would just keep comparing everything to the 1992 Cricket World final. At first I took it up as a challenge, but after a while I realised that it’s a completely lost cause. I mean how does one compare a serving of daal chaawal, a round of cards or even one’s own wedding ceremony to the world cup? And then there are things that should never be compared to anything else, let alone a match of cricket – but Imran wouldn’t stop, or realise what he was doing wrong.

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Hamza Ali Abbasi is a talented actor, and I really enjoyed his performance in Jawani Phir Nahi Ani. When I met Hamza I told him he is supremely gifted, and obviously politically active, so why is he doing such regressive movies – why not do a progressive script? I think he did not like what I said. I fear he’s taken it too personally and will react one day. I am not sure how though.

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I met Shehbaz Sharif to discuss whether or not he could spare a hundred thousand pounds to finance a book, which really would’ve been published in a thousand bucks, considering the fact that the entire editorial board is family. Shehbaz Sharif said that they are working on making my book a part of the CPEC projects. However, he was concerned with how it would overlap with China’s One Belt One Road strategy, and whether the book would take the western or eastern route. We then decided to go below the belt.

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I was naturally perturbed over all the time that he had been spending with Murad Saeed and Hamza Ali Abbasi. I knew something was up.

When my fears were confirmed and I confronted Imran, he laughed it off. “Baby, don’t worry. We say ‘No Homo’ both before and after, so no worries there.”

I wasn’t convinced. It was only later that I found out that he didn’t even say No Homo.

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