- A user’s manual
Many people have written on Karl Marx’s 200th birth anniversary (which happened to be yesterday), but most of those writings have been too leaned; that is, they assume a certain level of scholarship on the part of the readers. It falls upon the present author, then, to write for the neglected demographic of those who can’t be bothered (or are unable, because of their jam-packed schedules) to study, but are nevertheless concerned that they should not look like total dunces in conversations on Marx or Marxism.
This little guide should help them keep up the appearances in their intellectual circles until the time they read (and understand) Das Kapital Vol 1 or until their little sojourn in this worldly abode comes to an end – whichever happens earlier. In fact, with some practice, they can even succeed in impressing their enlightened friends by their cool Marxism skills.
A smart and safe thing to say on the occasion of every global or local financial melt-down/recession (without having the faintest idea of what one is talking about) is to claim that Marx had already predicted it 150 years ago. The satisfaction of claiming that Old Karl had already warned you foolish lot about this or that calamity can be surpassed only when a husband can brag to his wife that he was right while she was wrong, and not live to regret the day. That is, never.
Marx wasn’t merely an economist or a political theorist. He was a philosopher of history, a reviver of materialism in a new form, a believer in a rational formula summing up the evolution of mankind
It’s a good idea to know the cast of characters in the Marxism discourse: The bourgeois (pronounced by a cruel twist of fate as /ˈbʊəʒwɑː/) are the bad guys, while the proletarians are the victims/good guys. These groups are of such significance that the very first chapter of the Communist Manifesto is entitled – you guessed it! – Bourgeois and Proletarians. While the details can be a handful, it pays immensely to know, and drop casually in conversations, words from the Marxist terminology: historical materialism, surplus value, class struggle, means of production, proletarian revolution, etc.
The ultimate Marxist destination (nirvana, if you like) is a classless and stateless society (communism). Of course, by classless it doesn’t mean the group of your delinquent hostel fellows; but a society where there are no classes. This will be achieved in three stages: First, the severe exploitation of the proletariat by the bourgeoisie, and the inherent instability of capitalism, will lead to a proletarian revolution; second, the state will seize the means of production; and finally, establishment of a classless and stateless society (don’t ask how). After one or two false starts (most notably in Russia), people around the world are still looking forward to somebody – anybody – seizing the means of production, so that one day they can live in a world where the prime ministers, rock-stars, athletes, scientists, TV anchors, mineworkers and farmers will all belong to one class (or more precisely: to no class at all). Once that is achieved, even mother nature can reasonably be expected, in some millennia, to catch up through natural selection with the fantastic idea, resulting in humans having hands with fingers all equal in length.
Marx wasn’t merely an economist or a political theorist. He was a philosopher of history, a reviver of materialism in a new form, a believer in a rational formula summing up the evolution of mankind. Unsurprisingly therefore, he has valuable things to say about the whole human experience. ‘Religion is the opium for the masses’ is something you can quote at any dinner table whenever the conversation starts looking like going anywhere in the direction of religion. Nobody would dare challenge the assertion for fear of being thought of belonging to the masses. ‘History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce’ is another pithy one-liner that can be repeated on most all occasions with very satisfactory results for your social standing among your peers.
It’s a safe bet that Marx will continue to sound more and more revolutionary as time progresses. There’s absolutely no chance of your ever appearing old-fashioned when quoting him. You will sound like the most revolutionary soul on earth when (say) in 2049 you tweet, using your brand-new iPhone XXV, complaining about commodity fetishism, or stressing the urgent need for the means of production to be seized.
You must be careful, however, about quoting just anything that you believe came from Marx. ‘I have a mind to join a club, and beat you over the head with it’, or ‘I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it’, for example, came from the wrong Marx – Groucho Marx. Quoting Groucho, or any of the Marx Brothers for that matter, during a solemn discussion on class-struggle or historical materialism can make you look rather foolish, if you are unlucky enough to have a genuine Marxist around. Although the odds of a genuine Marxist being in the entire room let alone sitting at your table are astronomical, you can never be too careful when it’s a question of your good reputation.
