Rangers deployment increased around butthurt sentiments as Malala returns home

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(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Learn to take a joke; you’ll live longer.)

LAHORE/KARACHI/ISLAMABAD/PESHAWAR/QUETTA – Large contingents of law enforcement agencies, spearheaded by Rangers personnel, have been ordered around nationwide butthurt sentiments as security concerns for them increased overnight following the return of education activist and Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai during early hours of Thursday morning, The Dependent has reliably learnt.

The decision came after multiple reports that the said sentiments were in grave danger of being hurt following the news that Malala Yousafzai would be landing on her home soil after over five years.

“This is to order urgent deployment of law enforcement resources around what is the most vulnerable demographic in all of Pakistan right now: haters’ butthurt sentiments,” read a part of the order issued jointly by the Prime Minister House and the Inter-Services Public Relations (ISPR), early on Thursday.

Intelligence sources have informed The Dependent that intel released to state agencies confirms the vulnerability of conspiracy theorists.

“Those most likely to be hurt at the feelings of individuals believing Ms Malala Yousafzai of staging the [October 2012 Taliban] attack on herself and/or any variation thereof,” reads an encrypted emailed received by The Dependent from an intelligence agency source.

“Those believing Ms Yousafzai of propagating a foreign/anti-Pakistan agenda, and/or any variation thereof, will also be the earliest targets,” it continued.

“Those who say that Ms Yousafzai was never hurt at all, are probably already hurt by the time any law enforcement personnel could be deployed,” the email added.