In praise of facial hair

Why you must give it a try this no-shave November

The institution of facial hair has staged a famous comeback from the brink of extinction that looked certain only a few years ago. At its nadir, the moustache was being kept alive solely by elderly males in the Americas, some Aussie sportsmen valiantly swimming against the global tide so to speak, and unsung heroes in Tamil Nadu, with small pockets of resistance scattered here and there. Those were dark days indeed. In our neck of the woods too, the moustache was experiencing an alarming decline, while the beard was being associated solely with religious zealots. Now the latter is well on its way to reclaiming its rightful secular position in society, which is aiding the cause of the former as well.

This November, after years, the author is cautiously optimistic about the prospect of facial hair not only sustaining but reclaiming lost territory, so to speak. The social status of facial hair is decidedly higher than it was in the corresponding month last year, which, in turn, was an improvement on what it was a year back. That said, there is still a long way to go before this resurgence can be termed anything near permanent. At any rate, it’s way too early to rest on one’s laurels, for the cause has yet to attain critical mass that would ensure self-propagation; hence the need for efforts like this one by the author.

As is the case with all good things, every new generation is bound to discover anew the benefits of facial hair. Some of these are not new for they are rediscovered after being forgotten by a generation or more; and some are brought to the notice of the new generation because of the peculiar challenges of their age. Of course, the health benefits of facial hair – protection against UV radiation, anti-skin-aging, infection risk reduction, etc. – are well-documented. So are the aesthetic considerations – the immense increase in masculinity and therefore attractiveness, and scope for disguising subtle facial asymmetries, etc. Here are other reasons why people need to seriously consider sporting facial hair – reasons that are not stressed nearly enough:

EASY AS ABC: Provided the will to moustache- or beard-up is there, the technique itself is simplicity itself. Just keep them growing, behold with admiration the results a week or two later, and improvise as you go along. You can be bold in experimentation, since the hair will regrow free of cost. A gift for lazy slugs and procrastinators – all you need is a quick weekly trim; and you can even do this week’s trimming next week and nobody will even notice. If anything, you will appear manlier, more no-nonsense, more rugged. Compare this with the disheveled, unkempt look a clean-shaven man gives by skipping just one day of shaving.

TIME SAVER: One less unproductive thing to do every day is a life-saver in this jet age. Ten minutes of shaving every day means 300 minutes/month, 3600 minutes/year, which amounts to 144000 during a working life! That’s a lot of minutes that could more profitably be spent in other worthwhile pursuits. Time is money!

COMPLETION AS A MAN: There are many definitions of the real man, one of which is somebody not relying on cosmetics of any kind. Without the itchy, sensitive skin resulting from shaving, one can easily dispense with the last remnant of that link with the cosmetic industry – the after-shave lotion.

MAKES FOR AN INPENETRABLE POKER FACE: Nothing helps one maintain the stiff upper lip quite like a moustache; and density of the beard is inversely proportional to the transparency of a man’s thoughts. An impenetrable visage is not only an asset for a poker player, it’s indispensable for politicians, lawyers, detectives, spies and diplomats as well. Heck, every husband must have one if he is to keep his vulnerability unnoticed by his better half. Remember that wives need no polygraphs to detect half-truths, which are rendered absolutely necessary by marriage.

GOD-GIVEN FIDGET SPINNER/TWIRLER: According to facial hair expert and author Dr. Allan Peterkin, the average man touches his moustache 760 times every 24 hours. If he has one, that is. That’s more than 31 times an hour. Such is the rollercoaster of emotions an average man goes through! A pointed beard can serve pretty much the same purpose. With no such thing to touch, pat, caress, stroke or fondle as and when required, only God knows where and with what devastating consequences all that passionate energy will be dissipated.

REUSABLE SMOG/DUST FILTER: Nature has, of course, provided men with nose hair for that very purpose, but the poor things don’t have a prayer in cities like Lahore, which are competing globally for being the most air-polluted. A substantial moustache can do wonders here – it’s an aesthetically pleasing substitute for that inconvenient atrocity – the mask. And it’s adjustable as well, in that one can easily increase or decrease its exuberance according to the pollution levels in the air.