Love thyself

By Ramma S Cheema

Especially when nobody else will

 

Self-esteem is, hands down, the most important tool for personal growth. Why? If you don’t feel good about yourself, nobody else will. If you don’t love yourself for being who you are you will never be able to confidently carry yourself

 

Children with low self-esteem fall back on behaviours such as bullying, quitting, cheating, avoiding, etc, when they have to deal with real life situations. Socially children with low self-esteem can be disconnected from people around them and have considerable difficulty in having a good time

 

Have you ever walked into a room full of strangers and felt an overwhelming sense of diminished self-worth? Have you had to think twice before participating in a conversation just because you don’t think what you say will be good enough? These doubts are more common than you think.

It is so easy for some people to just smoothly gel into a gathering of people and talk away like it requires no effort. Some, on the other hand, feel the need to inflate our low, low self-esteem before climbing up the ladder of social acceptance.

Self-esteem is, hands down, the most important tool for personal growth. Why? If you don’t feel good about yourself, nobody else will. If you don’t love yourself for being who you are you will never be able to confidently carry yourself. Self-esteem is used to describe the worth or value that one associates with oneself. It is an amalgamation of how well one perceives body image, competence, significance in terms of the love and care received from society, and the control exercised over being who one is. The collection of beliefs you have pertaining to your abilities and worthiness define the level of self-esteem you possess.

Nowadays, media has set such standards of acceptability for children and adults alike that we all feel the need to fit certain moulds in every walk of life. Media today paints a larger than life impact of body image on interpersonal relationships. France only recently banned underweight models whereas in the US frail models still walk the ramp and such trend is encouraged. Perfect jobs, relationships, and children as portrayed by the social media also instil a certain kind of insecurity. Social media posts are often false and create an illusion of perfection.

It has given rise to popular belief that the outer image of an individual is more important than personality traits. People with low self-esteem appear to be more vulnerable to perceptions of the ideal body image perpetuated in the media.

Be it in school where you aspire to be the queen bee or at work where you idolise leading, you always have an image in mind that you wish to conform to. Having low self-esteem makes you doubt your own capabilities so much that instead of focusing on what you have you constantly crib about what you lack (and believe to be unachievable) in comparison to your role models. Popular fantasy themed films make you have unrealistic expectations from your relationships and from your partners. You don’t find yourself worthy of being loved when you don’t fulfil your own expectations of what you deem to be perfect.

So, what if you don’t fit that mould? It should be no reason for you to feel any less about yourself. Self-esteem depends on our internal ability to generate positive feelings about our accomplishments and capabilities; it’s not something other people can give us. And we should not evaluate our worth by what other people think about us. Low self-esteem can affect our self-confidence, performance and decision making in life, leaving us at a new level of low in life.

Research suggests that when women become mothers, and undergo an emotional transformation, their esteem suffers a setback. Pregnancy takes a toll on expectant mothers’ self-esteem, due to anxiety about childbirth and the baby’s health as well as body-image issues. Their relationships with their partners suffer during the early months of their child’s lives because they believe the bodily changes they have undergone make them less worthy of appreciation from their spouse. Why should we let our physical appearance or relationships define our worth to ourselves and others? Postpartum depression is becoming a reality and many celebrities in the west are talking about it so as to raise awareness on the subject. It is important here to understand that mothers suffering from postpartum depression love their new role but feel overwhelmed by the changes it brings.

Contemporary belief is that self-esteem is embedded in a person during early childhood through a foundation of trust, unconditional love and security, and constant encouragement. High self-esteem is not an inherent but a learned set of beliefs. The child rearing practices that a parent uses can give or take from the sense of worth that a child is likely to have as an adult. No one is born with low self-esteem. It is indeed very important to determine where these feelings come from so that one can fight them and start to believe in one’s own self.

As a child I remember hearing the phrase, “Good girl!” or “look how good you are at this!” maybe what a child needs to hear is “do you feel you have given it your best? Then it is amazing!” so that instead of empty words of praise a child realises that he is indeed worthy regardless of his accomplishments because he has given it his best and that is all that should matter. When appreciation is given only when our child acts in a certain manner, it reinforces to the child that they are only a person of value when they act a certain way (e.g. achieving A grades on a test).

Children with low self-esteem fall back on behaviours such as bullying, quitting, cheating, avoiding, etc, when they have to deal with real life situations. Socially children with low self-esteem can be disconnected from people around them and have considerable difficulty in having a good time. They might have a wide circle of friends but are more likely to succumb to group pressure and more susceptible to being bullied. Fear of failure is so deep rooted in them that they give up on assignments easily. As students they underperform and are unable to deal with the pressure associated with challenging coursework.

When children feel good about themselves, it sets them up for success in everything, from school to friendships. Positive feelings like self-acceptance or self-confidence help kids try new challenges, cope with mistakes, and try again. Children should therefore be encouraged in such a manner that positive behaviour is instilled in them. It is paramount to the growth of any child that his esteem be nurtured and protected at the right age and time. So that they can blossom into individuals that love themselves and are confident decision makers.

We should not have to cringe at the thought of speaking in public, or getting into a relationship because of the low self-worth society has embedded in us. In fact, we should lift our heads up high and remind ourselves to love ourselves for who we are.