Men need to strike a balance between their role as sons and husbands
We are not able to understand it and we are not able to speak of it. Everyone speaks about physical abuse – the scars are very well apparent. But no one talks about the silent sufferers; those who may not show any physical symptoms of abuse but their mutilated soul is squealing in agony. These are the victims of emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. They consistently suffer either at the hands of their parents or their spouses and are unable to stop it. These subtler, yet much more destructive, forms of domestic abuse often go unnoticed. And the victim has no way to seek help simply because he/she doesn’t have any proof to show that he or she has been victimized.
Many girls are told after wedlock that their new home is the home of their in-laws and they must forget about their original home. You may think that this only happens amongst the Pakistani lower-middle class now since this is the 21st century. But it’s actually happening in the most posh areas of Pakistan’s urban cities. No matter how educated you are, you will treat your daughter-in-law like she’s your property and you will deny her the freedom to be who she wants to be. You will stop her from getting a job and force her to be a housekeeper. If she resists, you will turn your son against her.
What you don’t understand is that the girl married your son, not you. Islam has given her freedom as a wife and it does not tell her to serve her in-laws. Mufti Menk, a renowned Islamic scholar, says that Islam teaches that wives are responsible for taking care of their husbands, not their husbands’ parents, as serving his parents is the son’s responsibility and not his wife’s. She has her own parents to serve. That does not mean however that she should not take care of her in-laws at all, but only that she deserves respect & kindness as well, which is hardly the case.
Islam has even given her the right to demand a separate home, which if you as her husband are not willing to give, then you are not fulfilling her rights. When a wife constantly hears abuses, sarcasm and taunts from her in-laws, even if they are disguised in the garb of politeness, she will obviously want to live separately. And when her husband does not stand up for her, and always takes the side of his parents, she will naturally feel left out. Most men just simply fail to be men when it comes to standing up for their wives in front of their parents. They suddenly realize that being a son is more important than being a husband, and obeying the parents is more important than protecting the wife. Because wives can come and go, parents will remain the same. At least that’s what their mentality is.
Wives are told to be obedient to their husbands no matter what, simply because the Qur’an says so. But even this is taken way too far. Nouman Ali Khan, a renowned International Islamic speaker and the CEO of Bayyinah, says that this obedience does not mean that a woman does not have the right to say no to things she feels can be done differently. And they forget, that the Qur’an and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad P.B.U.H also teach men to be the kindest to women. So how many of these men who use religion to make their wives obey them actually follow the religion themselves? Unless these double-standards are taken care of, marriages in Pakistan will continue to be a ride through prison.
If men are denied the freedom to be who they are, go where they want, and do whatever they want, they might go insane. They will feel like they are being chained. They will be unable to grow intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. It is the same feeling that many women experience when they marry. Before marriage, they are told that they will be kept like a queen. But soon, they realize, that meant being a queen of the house. Your dominion lies inside the four walls. But even that is not your home. You have to obey the rules of your in-laws because they directly or indirectly tell you that it is their house and if you want to live there, you have to live by their rules and way of living. Is this not psychological abuse?
And then these women are blamed for sharing their marital problems with their parents. But what about the son? He shares everything with his parents and that never becomes an issue. But the moment the wife shares anything with her mother is the moment she starts being ostracized. She is now guilty of sharing matters of the house with an outside party, even if she did it just once in frustration. But the son can complain to his parents anytime, and that is always acceptable in every Pakistani household. Why the double-standards? Why do these men marry if they just want to be sons and not husbands? The husband and the wife must both keep the matter to themselves and not share it with anyone else, even their parents. Because parents will always be biased towards their children, no matter how impartial they try to be. And then there are men who scold their wives at the instructions of their parents. The father-in-law wants to control the newly-wed woman and thus he makes her know that it is his home and she will live the way he wants to. Is this not emotional abuse?
These men are raised to believe that it’s okay and normal to mistreat women. They have seen their fathers abuse their mothers, and so they have been conditioned to think that there’s nothing wrong with it. They have been made to believe that women are emotionally weaker and so need to be disciplined. And they are indifferent towards their wives’ emotions and leave them to cry until they settle themselves. If this is not emotional abuse, then nothing is.
There are many good men out there, and yes they do exist. They realize that their wives have their own individuality and they must not take it away from them. These men protect their wives from their parents and stand up for them when their parents are wrong. Such men need to speak up and become examples of how wives should be treated otherwise many women will continue to have boys as their husbands and not real men.
