DIY making-it-big
Visit any bookstore or the internet and you will find numerous cook-books and recipes on how to build a dream house, or to be a leader of men, or to develop a six-pack that is the envy of your neighbours. These are all useful ambitions, but what people really need is a guide to becoming a billionaire in a hurry. It’s not that such guides are not available (they are), but in this author’s opinion they are not very useful. Most of them are either too vague or too complicated; and all involve way too many steps. I am afraid any recipe that involves more than five easy steps is a non-starter in this information age. I for one have yet to come across a recipe that ticks all our boxes, which is a pity considering our abysmal billionaires-per-capita stats.
In the following I offer an effective strategy for becoming a billionaire in five easy steps. Let me reassure you at the outset that you don’t need any initial capital or any sort of skill to become a billionaire. The total process should typically take you no more than 10 years (15 years tops).
Things you need: A bank that is willing to grant you 100% loan on a start up with no equity or collateral coming from you; a sincere family friend (foreigner) who is kind-hearted, trustworthy, and has an unlimited supply of capital and goodwill; a noble (to the extent of being dumb) businessman, who is willing to acquire your failed businesses and offer you huge sums of money in exchange; an influential daddy; a loving grand-daddy (preferable).
Step 1: Set up a new manufacturing business anywhere in the Middle East. Coming up with the necessary initial capital won’t be your concern as your bank will take care of such things. Being a novice with no special skills, you will observe that your business will start running in the negative very soon. This is your cue to offload your liabilities to the noble businessman (mentioned above).
Step 2: Sell your business – which is actually a liability – to the noble businessman. This means you now have a lot of money on your hands. Give yourself a deserved pat on the back for you are already a millionaire. Now give this capital to your family friend (also mentioned above) to invest into his many businesses, and see it multiplying many times over. You have successfully laid the foundation for starting your second, third, fourth, and all subsequent businesses.
Step 3: Start your second, third, and fourth businesses. Funding ought not to be a problem because your family friend (in whose business you have heavily invested) can be relied upon to come to your rescue regarding these. At this stage, it would be advisable for you to start living in the family-friend’s apartments, and use them as collateral for further loans. This makes sense because the family friend is not likely to ask for any rents because of your heavy investment in his many businesses. Furthermore, being a family friend, and because of your heavy investment in his businesses, he would happily bail you out in your settlements when you fail to pay off your debts.
Step 4: Here we revisit your first business that you sold in the first step. If you failed to make it successful, chances are that the noble businessman (who has no business sense whatever) will fail even more miserably. Once that happens, and you are done setting up your other businesses, buy the scrap of the original mill at a fraction of the cost of new machinery. Using trucks to move all this scrap to the site of your new unit would prove to be very economical. Ask your family friend for the rest of the capital, which he would happily provide in view of your heavy investment in his many businesses. By now you are well versed in business and thus in a great position to achieve with scrap what you couldn’t with brand-new machinery years ago.
Step 5: Now sell the above mill as well and acquire a new one. You will find at this point that considering your heavy investment in your family friend’s many businesses and the profits it yielded, and his investments in your different start-ups and settlements, he owes you an amount exactly equal to the worth of his apartments that you have been living in for years. This is your cue to make a settlement with him and earn your well-earned independence. Get those apartments transferred to your name, and give your family friend an honourable handshake.
You are now a proud billionaire – say Alhamdulillah! And you have made it this big without any initial capital. Now go and share this achievement with your parents, siblings and friends. You may, at this stage, like to reciprocate in your own little way daddy’s affection by sending him gifts that he can in turn give to other members of the family.