How to look the part and impress selectors and others
If you are a young Pakistani the chances are that you play cricket at some level or the other. Also, presumably you want to excel and be a star at that level – at the very least you don’t want to be a railu-katta. You may be a backyard-cricketer, a street-cricketer, a weekend-cricketer, or an amateur ‘hard-ball’ cricketer. Or you may be aspiring to a cricket career hoping to make it to first-class cricket or even the national side. Whatever the case may be, it isn’t unreasonable to think that there’s cut-throat competition involved.
I don’t propose to talk about concentration, or technique, or of doing the hard yards – important as these things undoubtedly are. Instead, I intend to focus here on small things that will go a long way toward upgrading your image, and with virtually zero investment of hard-work, doing wonders for your select-ability and star-value. For perception is at least as important as performance; and one ignores it at one’s peril. The following guidelines have been compiled after painstaking observation of numerous veterans of international cricket – for the most part Pakistanis but by no means exclusively so – over a period of years.
Starting with batting then, never look sheepish after getting beaten by a delivery. Using your bat, just flatten the bump (real or imaginary) on the pitch where the ball landed. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a cemented strip or even a road – it sends a strong message across regardless. Not to mention the fact that you look ultra-cool doing it. Alternatively, you can withdraw the bat after the fact (so to speak), and pretend that you pulled out in time. If you happen to get out, make sure you practice the perfect straight drive (in air) three times in quick succession. That shows to all and sundry that you are learning fast. An especially professional way to handle failure to reach down in time and consequently getting bowled all ends up is to hold an exaggerated crouching position for a while. This proves that it was low bounce that did you in. In fact, a general advice is to look upset every time you get out. Even if people don’t know what exactly is it that you are complaining about – and they never will, what with so many potentially bad things out of your control: the umpire, the humidity, the sight-screen, unruly spectators, the fickle Cambodian stock-market, etc. – your perturbation is sure to convince your captain and powers-that-be that you take your cricket seriously.
Every time there is contact between the bat and the ball, take two or three steps even if you have no intention to run. This shows intent and urgency on your part; and even if you never actually complete a run, it will look like you might do so at any moment. It’s true that occasionally your hapless partner (your probable rival in the selection stakes), believing that you mean it will run himself out; but while it could be unfortunate in the context of the match, it would almost certainly help your cause in the long run.
Leaving the ball alone is an important aspect of batting. Rookies leave it by just raising the bat heavenward. Professionals, on the other hand, make their bats follow an intricate trajectory that passes tantalisingly close to the trajectory of the ball. That it sometimes results in their deflecting it onto the stumps or into the hands of the wicketkeeper or the slip-cordon (something that was a matter of time anyway) is but a small price to pay for the immense gain in stylishness. Talking of style, in case you are wearing the national dress while batting, make sure to insert the qameez into the shalwar, for there are few sights more humiliating than being bowled around one’s legs with the ball ricocheting off the loose garment.
In the unfortunate event of getting hit on the box or where a box should have been, pretend that nothing’s happened. For some unknown reason people seem to think it very funny, and you just can’t afford to be a laughing stock – perception is everything, remember? Plus, it raises serious doubts about your defensive capabilities. Man up, and be your nonchalant best: Go and flatten the pitch. Practice your front-foot-defensive. Whistle a little bit. Chew on that gum harder.
If bowling happens to be your strong-suit, unfortunately there’s nothing by way of advice that does not involve staggering amounts of hard work. Except perhaps regarding the business of no-balls. When the umpire calls one, nothing demonstrates that you take your no-balls seriously more than the simple act of going back and putting your foot where it should have landed. After two or three iterations of this, however, it appears to lose its impact. To set the counter to zero, you should then consider re-marking your run-up.
Fielding may not be as backbreaking as bowling, but it is probably even more thankless. Especially when it comes to catching: you may take ten catches and there’s no appreciation, but drop one and you will be hounded for days on end. The way around this is to resolve not to take even the simplest of catches while on your feet. Instead, make sure to dive – whether it’s called for or not – so that you can claim afterwards that it was a tough one. It also pays to pretend that it was the glare of the sun or the floodlights in your eyes that caused the spill. When your shy at the stumps misses by a mile as usual, raise your arms up, jump and hold your head in disbelief upon return to earth as if (a) you just missed by mere millimetres, and (b) all your throws before the current one have without exception been direct hits.
Finally, a few words on celebrations: You can’t go wrong with the sajda, of course. For some reason the average spectator loves push-ups too, although they are kind of idiotic, and have become too common. You need something that makes your image become permanently etched in the memories of the selectors and other stake-holders – a differentiator, if you like. You would do well to develop your own trademark style – lifting the silly-mid-on fielder with your moustache, for example. Something novel and unique is advised even if you insist on old-fashioned ways. For example, raising the bat handle-up (à la M. Hafeez), is a differentiator right there.
