Just another week in Pakistan

Pretty much par for the course

If craziness happens to be your thing from the very start, or alternatively you started deriving, somewhere along the way, a morbid sort of pleasure from displays of it, there’s just no place for you like Pakistan. One is afforded brand new evidence to support this assertion almost every week, the last seven days being no exception. Consider:

Mar 14. Lahore. The Man: Punjab Higher Education Minister Syed Raza Ali Gilani. Occasion: Address to divisional directors of the Lahore Board. Probably meant as a fitting reply to the EU countries banning hijab in universities and other public institutions, the honourable minister proposes making the hijab mandatory for female students enrolled in all Punjab colleges. ‘We are leaving our religion behind, we are forgetting our culture and ethics,’ the minister laments. Furthermore, what can only be described as a ranked Zia-ul-Haqqi, the minister adds that it’s nothing more than his duty as a Muslim to take this step. He also unveils a novel policy of awarding 5% allowance to girls falling below the minimum 60% attendance, provided they wear hijab (he doesn’t explicitly say so but apparently it doesn’t extend to boys, whether or not they sport hijab). This creates a furore in the media and an embarrassed Punjab government moves quickly to distance itself from the minister’s position. In the meanwhile, the irascible Abdul Mannan launches a heroic and spirited defense of the move – for probably he has yet to know the adjusted party-line.

Mar 15. Lahore. The woman: PTI MPA Nabila Hakim Ali. Location: The Punjab Assembly. For some odd reason unaware of the latest situation, and in no mood whatsoever to cede even an inch of religious ground to anybody, the honourable member tables a resolution asking the Punjab government to make wearing of hijab mandatory for women across all education institutes across the province, and to award extra marks to women doing so. But merely minutes later she withdraws her resolution citing a ‘clerical error’ and tables in its place a new one, this time demanding the Punjab government not to make wearing of hijab mandatory for women across all education institutes across the province, and not to award extra marks to women doing so. Judging from her photograph accompanying the news, the MPA herself doesn’t sport hijab, but then she is no college student either. One journalist claims that the member told her that she had both versions, one in favour and one against, drafted and that the ‘wrong’ one was tabled by mistake. The small mistake notwithstanding, this speaks volumes for the member’s preparedness for all eventualities.

One would be excused for thinking that this much craziness ought to suffice for all the craziness needs of any nation for at least a month or so. But this is one area where we are spoiled for choice. Consider but two episodes – off the top of the head – from the last seven-days alone:

Mar 8. Darul Uloom Haqqania, Akora Khattak. A zealous crowd, by way of demonstrating its undying commitment to eliminate spread of blasphemous content from the country, burns numerous smart-phones with social media capabilities. According to a report, by way of exhorting the participants to throw their smart-phones into the “pyre”, a speaker mentioned the heroic act of Maulana Sami-ul-Haq’s son smashing his mobile phone worth 60,000 PKR. The report doesn’t confirm whether or not the devout crowd was treated to sandwiches afterwards. For the gratification of those that missed it, the whole incident is available on the social media, some pious soul having fortunately recorded it for posterity – using a smart-phone.

Mar 9. The Interior Ministry, Islamabad. The man: Chaudhry Nisar. The Interior Minister cum Security Czar proves it yet again that when you have a hammer in hand, all problems (without exception) appear a hell of a lot like nails. Probably unbeknownst to himself he pretty much endorses the action of the Haqqania crowd by stating that he is not averse to blocking the social media altogether. (While there are many definitions of madness, one of the better ones is to keep doing the same thing over and over again, each time expecting different results. Readers would recall that we’ve been here before: when we ‘solved’ the blasphemy problem some years ago by blocking YouTube, for example.)

*Here, in the interest of fairness, I need to qualify what I said at the start, namely there’s no country like Pakistan if you have a somewhat twisted sense of humour. The above-mentioned may be pretty crazy stuff by most standards, but not all – for there are one or two countries that have the capacity of continually competing with us, even if not always outdoing us. Consider:

Mar 15. Al-Qassim Province, Saudi Arabia. Occasion: Launch of the Qassim Girls’ Council. In the very same week that we are burning mobile phones, toying with the idea of blocking the social media and making hijab mandatory for college-girls, in the Holy Kingdom the first ever Qassim Girls Council meeting is a resounding success, except for a rather small detail: there are no girls (none is visible, at any rate). Prince Faisal bin Mishal bin Saud, the province’s governor, reminds his audience that women make up half of world population, and that he is extremely proud of the first-of-its-kind conference in the kingdom. Surely an understatement by the modest governor for it is by all accounts the first of its kind in the world.