Your horoscope for all seasons
Like all self-respecting horoscopes, this one covers all individuals – man or woman, straight or gay, active or retired, devout or irreligious, dead or alive – across all continents; as long as they are blessed with the admirable habit of never using their brains. That’s where the similarity ends however, for this one is realistic and therefore much more likely to be true. Also, it doesn’t take refuge in ambiguity. Finally, and most significantly, designed to be valid for the next thirty years, it obviates the need for a new one every week.
Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb): Gossip will be your main entertainment of the week, closely followed by the charming pastimes of double-dealing and intrigue. The weekend will bring disturbing reports about relatives saying some pretty unsavoury things about you behind your back, resulting in much consternation on your part. You will have plenty of suggestions for others, although when it will come to your own business you will be found completely clueless.
Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar): Your Venus will momentarily be in an auspicious position before moving into the fatal fifth house. Though you will realise that the only person that can help your cause is yourself, the odds of that actually happening will remain astronomical. You will spring into action, but will suddenly stop in your tracks recalling the utter meaninglessness of all existence. Reliable friends will possibly come to your rescue on Wednesday. But probably they won’t – either on Wednesday or on any other day.
Aries (21 Mar – 19 Apr): Your week will start off on the wrong foot, convincing you that nobody understands you. Thursday will initially promise to be different, but foolish actions on your part will quickly start resulting in bad results. Blaming others for your faults will continue to be the theme of the week. You will be reduced to wanting to spend more time at home if single – in office if otherwise.
Taurus (20 Apr – 20 May): Jupiter will be ascendant and in the first house from Moon. This will cause all sorts of havoc in your life. On Monday and Tuesday you will fail miserably in your efforts to please everybody. On Wednesday and Thursday you will endeavour to infuriate everybody, and will succeed spectacularly. On Friday it may help to pretend your problems just don’t exist. It might be a great strategy for the rest of your life.
Gemini (21 May – 20 Jun): You will frequently feel romantic impulses. Acting on some of those may get you arrested. The world at large will fail to recognise your obvious genius. As for people close to you, they will continue avoiding you like plague. You won’t get the money you loaned to friends. (Neither will you repay your debts.) In your weaker moments you will doubt your own greatness. Following some reflection however, sanity will prevail every time.
Cancer (21 Jun – 22 Jul): You will consistently be plagued by the feeling that your spouse has aged out of all proportion (compared to you), a notion that could be dispelled by one dispassionate look into the looking glass. Spying on neighbours and relatives will account for the better part of your time and energy, when they could be much more profitably devoted to getting one-step ahead of enemies and their evil machinations.
Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug): Investment in real-estate could pay dividends, but you will find yourself minus the necessary cash. On Thursday your attention will be caught by the dandruff in your hair. The rest of the week will only go south after that. It will be a struggle to shake off the feeling that fate and the whole world is conspiring to bring about your downfall, when it would be much more advisable to concentrate on things that are in your own hands.
Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sep): You will start the week with the pleasant suspicion that a world is mesmerised by your charm and beauty (both inner and outer). The rest of the week will be depressing because it will dawn upon you that to discover that world could prove to be a Herculean task. When your ideas won’t be bad, it will be faulty execution that will be their undoing. Your vegetarian spiritual guru will make a pass at you, casting serious doubts on his spirituality and vegetarianism alike.
Libra (23 Sep – 22 Oct): The dieting plan will not be executed this week either. Ditto for you study plans. By Thursday, under the relentless barrage of unfortunate happenings outside your control, you will be contemplating taking the law into your own hands. However, by Friday, after thinking through the possible consequences, you will again have become a model of restraint and civic responsibility.
Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov): As usual, you will continue demanding all sorts of attention from everybody, everywhere and at all times. The week will therefore bring a lot of disappointments, also as usual. The feeling that life somehow didn’t deliver on some promise personally made to you will become deeper and deeper. That you deserved much better will keep gnawing at your innards.
Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec): You will toy with atheism, but from a safe distance. Boss problems will continue to play second fiddle to Mother-in-law problems, but only slightly. Going on the front-foot on either front will be a mistake, for you will be forced to beat a humiliating retreat. Marriage of any sort will be inadvisable, regardless of your current marital status. You may win a lottery this week. However, you need to buy a ticket first.
Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan): Your unparalleled genius will fail to win recognition this week too. Life will present abundant opportunities for self-pity and viewing the whole of mankind as a nuisance. Mars will finally relinquish the third house but same-old actions on your part will continue to yield same-old results. Life will therefore continue to suck. Old relationships will disappoint. On the other hand, the newer ones will be absolutely excruciating.
*Note: The newspaper bears no responsibility if any of the above turns out to be accurate.