Abbottabad Commission findings should be made public, says Osama Bin Laden


Speaking to reporters who were brought blindfolded to an undisclosed location, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said that the government of Pakistan should declassify the findings of the Abbottabad Commission and present them to the nation and the world at large.


“For too long, there have been a number of unsubstantiated rumours going about that incident in Abbottabad,” said the Al Qaeda leader. “I want you all to be able to put to rest those rumours once and for all.”


“I have a reputation to uphold and I want to be able to be look the public in the eye and tell them that it’d take more than Seal Team bloody Six to take an institution like me out,” he screamed. “I’m Osama Bin Laden!!”


“And we shouldn’t stop there. After we established that the story was a lie, we should also go uncover other truths. That Dengue virus was unleashed on Punjab by CIA, that it is undercover Sikhs who are pretending to be Taliban, that the Nasa moon landing was fake and that US president Kennedy was killed by the intangible concept of homosexual marriage.”


At the end of the presser, he told reporters that he wanted to speak directly to the public. “I want you all to know that this is not fake news. You are reading this on Facebook and Facebook does not lie.”