The Punjab Police

One of Punjab’s more recognisable symbols

There are many law enforcement agencies in Pakistan but none inspires terror in the bosom of the ordinary citizen quite like the Punjab Police (hereinafter PP). A few years ago a close friend was elated to know that his then recently stolen laptop and some other stuff had been recovered from apprehended thieves. After one daunting meeting with the SHO however, he decided not to claim the stolen merchandise. If the PP can put the fear of God into an innocent, law-abiding citizen, one can only imagine the awe it inspires in the hearts of criminals with guilty consciences. The PP is right up there with folk-music, lassi, and swear-words as things that make Punjab famous.

Although the PP is originally supposed to curb crime in Punjab, its skills are sometimes borrowed by the Islamabad Capital Territory – the areas of its expertise being baton-charging, tear-gassing, enforcement of section 144, blocking of roads by containers and soil, and locking down cities under threat of being locked down by unruly elements. For the most part, the PP has been amazingly effective in thwarting attempts of civil disobedience and disruption. Admittedly, it has recently been found wanting when it comes to dealing with the latest weapon employed by the anarchists: the motorcycle. If its track-record is any guide however, it is almost certain that come the next such insurrection, the PP will come out fully-prepared for this challenge too.

The PP is the first – and probably the only – law enforcement force in the world to employ unmanned check-posts to foil heinous machinations of terrorists. Many a crime has thus been prevented at negligible cost. On the manned check-posts too, a torch is all the equipment a Punjab Policeman needs in order to differentiate between upright citizens and potential malefactors.

The PP maintains its excellence by enforcing stringent recruitment standards. Candidates for lower positions – the potential workhorses – are subjected to the most extensive scrutiny of stamina, height and that unmistakable proof a man’s fitness: chest measurement (inflated). An acquaintance, who was a candidate, reported of one such test that after a punishing frog-jumping session the candidates had to be literally carried into the back of the truck used for transporting them back to the city (a baton-wielding Punjab Policeman had chased them around the track – the PP believes in getting the best out of you, whether or not you agree with the philosophy). Conditions for officer-grade selection are equally rigorous, if not more. Only the best manage to make it after cut-throat competition. The popularity of the department means a constant supply of first-class officer material at PP’s disposal. In the hands of professional trainers, this material is moulded into a redoubtable force. The PP keeps this force fighting fit by frequently arranging target practice sessions, officially called police encounters, where they are made to hone their skills by shooting moving targets.

Whenever the government higher-ups believe PP is struggling to live up to its most exacting standards, they found another branch of the force. It has not yet been eight months since the latest one, named Dolphin Force, was added. (Punjab being landlocked, the Dolphin Force operates on land). The CM has also announced plans to set up a special force for the protection of foreigners.

Subjecting the PP to severe ridicule and scorn is, unfortunately, one of the favorite pastimes of Punjabis – hence the derogatory titles pulsia, thulla, etc. Some are not even averse to spreading malicious lies about it, especially on the social media. Mercifully, things are looking up after the passing of the Cyber Crimes Act, thanks to which Hamza Abbasi was taken to task for exaggerating the number of abducted children in Punjab (the ‘official’ figure of missing children was quite reassuring). In addition to causing unnecessary panic among the citizenry, Abbasi had done great disservice to the country by maligning this great national institution. While one does occasionally hear unsavoury rumors, people need to realise that it’s only 98% of Punjab policemen that give a bad name to the remaining 2% honourable men of character.

Under most circumstances, the Punjab Policemen are reasonable people, always willing to cooperate. In case they don’t listen to the voice of reason at first, the trick is to progressively become more reasonable until they relent (it’s usually a matter of time). While the nature of their duty forces them to be ruthless at times, they recognise that there are certain inviolable limits of heavy-handedness. For example, they never rough women protestors up. Instead, they call their female colleagues to beat the hell out of them.

It is usually held against the PP that it is almost impossible to register an FIR. The FIR does get registered, provided the requisite determination, hard-work and pulling of the correct strings. This has been designed to discourage frivolous reports.

Jaun Elia had famously said, and I quote: ‘Police jahaan ki bhi ho, hoti Punjab Police hi hai.’ With all due respect to Elia, and the respective police forces of Amroha and Karachi (where Elia spent most of his life), I beg to disagree: No other police force is a patch on our Punjab Police, the most formidable police force in the region. That said, the story of a snake dying instantly after biting an Okara sub-inspector is most probably apocryphal.