Transcript of a radio interview with author Mr. Z. M. Naacheez
This is your host, I. M. Fareifta, wishing a very good morning to all listeners. It’s our good fortune and truly an honour to have with us the famous poet, intellectual, and author Mr. Z. M. Naacheez. ZM, as he prefers to be called, hardly needs an introduction, so without further ado let’s discuss with him his latest work, entitled: ‘The zun-mureed’s guide to temporal and next-worldly success’. Already in its third printing in as many months since its launch, the book is clearly the latest national sensation. We start the proceedings by warmly thanking our distinguished guest for being here with us today.
ZMN: The pleasure is mine.
IMF: You chose not to translate the key-word zun-mureed into English. Why?
ZMN: Well I tried, but drew a blank. No English word comes even close to doing justice to it. I think it’s only a matter of time before English lexicographers will be compelled to include it in their dictionaries.
IMF: You start your book by citing the principle of conservation of energy. I must say I wasn’t expecting science to feature so prominently in a self-help book on household bliss.
ZMN: All men need to realise that the energy at their disposal is limited and that they must use it wisely. If they waste it all in doomed efforts to assert themselves at home, they will be left with none for the really meaningful pursuits that lead on to success in this world and the Hereafter. The wise man, then, is one who accepts without question what the missus says.
IMF: Do you believe self-help books make a difference?
ZMN: I am sure they do. I owe the major portion of my renown to these books. Being a poet yourself, you know how the stock of poetry has fallen…
IMF (interrupting): I had readers in mind…
ZMN: Oh, the readers… Well, my books ought to help them too. They contain nothing that is merely theoretical. I assure you that I only preach what I follow – and have found useful – myself. This book is no exception.
IMF: What is the major obstacle budding young zun-mureeds are likely to encounter, and how best to negotiate it?
ZMN: Well, they will most certainly be called names. They will be insulted for being meek, submissive, and what not. Ignore the haters. They are merely fools, definitely not worthy of your attention.
IMF: I picked up your book last night in order to prepare for this interview. Intellectual honesty compels me to acknowledge however that I was asleep before finishing the first chapter. That said, I carefully perused the list of contents, synopsis, and front and back flaps. One of the chapters is entitled, ‘You don’t have a right to remain silent’. That clearly goes against the traditional theory that good husbands are good – presumably silent – listeners, doesn’t it?
ZMN: Well, it’s true that anything you say to the wife can – probably will – be used against you. But at the same time, you don’t have the right to remain silent either, because silence can be taken as a sign of contempt; or worse, that probably you aren’t even listening to her. Either being disastrous, the way to go in difficult conjugal situations is saying things that don’t mean anything, answering difficult questions by questions, emitting pleasant sounds when at a loss for appropriate words; followed of course by doing what the missus says.
IMF: For the interest of our listeners, when did you decide to become a zun-mureed yourself? Tell us about that crucial turning point of your own life, when you resolved to leave all decision-making to your lovely wife.
ZMN: I can easily take the traditional route by saying that my dream, ever since I was a little kid, was to become a zun-mureed. But that would be a lie. Actually I don’t recall one particular moment when it all happened. Coming to think of it, it couldn’t have been my decision to start with. The wife must have made it for me.
IMF: My station-manager tells me that you have devoted an entire chapter on the age-old quandary of how best to interact with pretty ladies with the wife breathing down one’s neck. Could you tell our listeners a little bit about that?
ZMN: If you don’t mind, I would like to leave some things for your listeners to read for themselves. Priced at Rs.495 only, the book offers great value for their money.
IMF (laughing): Completely understandable. While you make a convincing case in favour of following the wife’s lead for temporal success, many listeners would be wondering exactly how that translates into next-worldly or eternal success.
ZMN: Well, as a Muslim I firmly believe that successful men will find, to their infinite delight, their own wives welcoming them in Paradise. If that is not eternal success, I don’t know what is.
IMF: Very well said. And with this, I am afraid we’ve run out of all the time at our disposal. Would you like to give a message to our male listeners?
ZMN: Never challenge your wife’s wisdom.
IMF: On behalf of our listeners, I thank you again for this enlightening session.
ZMN: You’re welcome.