A tribute to Mr Javed Chaudhry

By way of deciphering the mystery surrounding the MQM leadership

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Munni Begum had a bad feeling about her performance that night. There was an unshakable sense of impending doom. The auditorium was jam-packed and noisy, but she had performed in similar conditions countless times. Though it was her first performance in Peshawar, she assured herself that people were essentially the same everywhere. At 9:00 pm, she kicked off her performance with her famous ‘Aawaargi mein hud se guzar jaana chaahiye’. Fifteen minutes into her performance, she had shaken off her nervousness, and was settling into a nice rhythm. All her fears were misplaced, she happily told herself. In fact, so confident did she begin to feel that at 11:30 pm she found herself singing the refrain of ‘Aawaargi mein hud se guzar jaana chaahiye’ in a piercing falsetto – something she had never attempted before. Was this going to be her best performances ever? At 01:55 am, as she was expertly negotiating with a particularly difficult segment of ‘Aawaargi mein hud se guzar jaana chaahiye’, suddenly all hell broke loose. A dagger-brandishing, turban-clad, large man jumped onto the stage, and in an instant was too close to her for comfort. She sprang up from her Harmonium but then her legs gave way. Instead of hurting her however, the man helped her back to her feet and gently said, ‘Khocha Munni Khan, tum hamaara behn hai; tum subha tak gaye ga to hum subha tak sune ga; hum to us khabees ke batcha ko dhoondta hai jo tum ko yahaan laaya hai.’

This flash of wisdom from the anonymous Pathan has an uncanny bearing on the current situation in Karachi. Instead of blaming Farooq Sattar, Mustafa Kamal, Amir Liaquat, and the other characters for the farce featuring them, it makes much more sense to focus on the production team that keeps coming up with such stuff. It must also be noted that…

I think I started reasonably enough in Javed Chaudhry style, but having come this far I can’t help feeling that it’s not going to work. I mean, even if something like this did happen, there’s no way on earth that I could have known about Munni Begum’s private thoughts and fears. I could of course have started with a story better suited to the Karachi situation, but it is equally true that I have seen Mr. Chaudhry fitting facts, without as much as breaking a sweat, to even less relevant stories. But then again, he is a genius, while I must man up to the fact that I am not.

2

Genghis Khan was seriously ill. He was old and frail, and his latest injury hadn’t been a help. He was dying and he knew it, even though people around him naturally couldn’t attribute mortality with the great Khan. One night he sent for his firstborn, Jochi, and whispered in his ear: ‘Son, if you want to be a leader of men till the last day of your life, never ever miss your constitutional,’ and collapsed on his bed, absolutely exhausted with the effort. These proved to be his last words. By the time the sun rose next day, he was dead.

Genghis Khan knew a word or two about leadership, and leaders after him would ignore his advice at their own peril. It is obvious that Altaf Bhai has not been getting much exercise lately, and so it was a matter of time that …

I am afraid this approach isn’t very promising either. While the advice regarding light exercise is sound, it is not easy to make a convincing case that it has a bearing on one’s leadership qualities, unless, of course, you are Javed Chaudhry. The fact that Genghis Khan never said these words is of course neither here nor there.

3

Farooq Sattar effectively sacking his own boss was always on the cards.

Do you know that in the famous Rawalpindi market of Sultan Ka Khoo, left-hand side auto-parts are costlier than their right-hand side counterparts? The reason is that what with the driver sitting on the right, in the event of inevitable collision he tends to unconsciously sway away to the right, invariably crashing the left side of the vehicle, putting that side at a much higher risk. The shopkeepers therefore find that their consciences don’t allow them to sell substandard left-hand side parts, which raises their price.

Many friends are finding it difficult to digest that a subordinate can fire his boss – the head of the party, no less. The explanation is simple. Farooq Sattar had been forced to make the difficult choice between the patriotic right wing elements and the extreme left-wing represented by Altaf Bhai. Any wonder that being a Pakistani, he unconsciously chose to sway towards the right?

Something tells me that this effort is also a non-starter. It will be hard to make many people digest a sentence with ‘shopkeeper’ and ‘conscience’ on the same page, let alone a sentence. Sultan Ka Khoo is after-all one of the biggest markets for smuggled merchandise. Not to mention that the Quaid e Tehreek never occupies the passenger’s seat.

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I think it’s time the proverbial pen was put down with this acknowledgment: I wanted to pay a tribute to the great Javed Chaudhry by writing like him, but ended up having to concede that the man is inimitable – clearly a much greater compliment.