Definite no-nos for men

Men’s what-not-to-do list

There are many useful skills that are simply beyond the power of women. Pulling trucks and planes with moustaches readily comes to mind. Many other achievements – bearing children, for example – are physically impossible for men. Most things, however, lie within the grasp of both men and women. That’s where they need to be careful, for merely being able to do something is a very poor reason for going ahead and actually doing it.

Women will do well to leave alone many things; but I will leave that discussion for another day. In the following I list some things that men must avoid no matter how strong the temptation. Yielding to one or two doesn’t make you any less of a man of course – all men do it at one time or another. Consistently wallowing in more than two, however, is definitely a cause for concern. Mind you, it’s not a matter of fashion, which by definition comes and goes. So you won’t find anything here as ephemeral as the ‘acceptable’ width of belts and ties; or latest trends in trouser bottoms or cuff links. Instead, this is about tastes (bad tastes, actually), which admittedly cannot be legislated. But the author happens to be an incorrigible optimist who believes in the incredible power of persuasion.

Dopattas:

The appalling sight of men running around wearing dopattas is getting more and more frequent on mehndi functions. Simultaneously, more and more girls are eschewing dupattas – a choice they are fully entitled to of course. The fact remains however that girls with dopattas look great; men don’t. Desist!

Dipping biscuits in tea (Not that it’s ok for women, but I have hardly ever seen them doing it.):

People sometimes object to the practice because of ‘accidents’ and the less than satisfactory results of rescue missions. But my concern is purely aesthetic. Girls’ families have been known to call off impending weddings upon the discovery of prospective bridegrooms indulging in the supposedly harmless act, which, regardless of your views about the institution of marriage, invests the activity with great practical consequence. But like mentioned above, my objection is purely sensibility-related.

Embroidered kurta:

There is no doubt that kurta is a great invention for men and women alike. But embroidered kurta – embroidered anything else for that matter – is for girls only. And boy, don’t they look pretty! Not so, boys. The same goes for jewellery and shiny silk clothes.

Whitening creams:

Remember this simple thumb rule: a man who relies on looks (especially complexion) is a very weak man indeed. While brawn and brains are legitimate avenues for your expressing yourself, looks are not. Products of this ilk definitely don’t belong on your dressing table. At most, you need an after-shave lotion – even that need is obviated by the simple, manly act of sporting a beard. Remember that the ideal for men is rough and tough, not clean and shining. This fact doesn’t change if Shahrukh Khan endorses the product, or if it has ‘For men’ written on the label. (Women don’t need whitening creams either – complexion is definitely not equivalent to beauty. But that’s a separate sermon.)

Selfies and food photo uploads on FB:

The word selfie implies preoccupation with self quite repugnant to the spirit of manhood. As for uploading photographs of cakes and other eatables, if men start devoting themselves to such activities, who will eat the damn things? But I digress; my reasons are purely aesthetic.

Complaining:

Men don’t whine and complain. They may hurt because of all the injustices in the world but they suffer, and try to see, through this suffering, the bigger picture.

Facial ‘grooming’:

Shaving is all the facial grooming you are ever going to need, and even that is purely optional. Leave plucking of eyebrows, facial massages, and night creams to the ladies. Also refer to whitening creams above.

Walking hand in hand with another man:

Explanations are hardly needed. Suffice it to say that by way of physical contact a quick and firm hand shake is quite enough. That’s barring rare occasions such as Eid and long overdue reunions, when a hug is in order.

Baby talk:

While some (not all) girls do sound charming baby-talking, I have yet to see a man who doesn’t make a fool of himself doing it. This simply doesn’t go with the indispensable man-image.

Gossip:

If you need to express your opinions, you have the whole world of sports and sportsmen at your disposal. If you feel in desperate need of letting off steam, you can pick and choose from among innumerable politicians. But badmouthing a private person is a definite violation of the gentleman’s code.

Multiple farewells:

A man means what he says. This includes saying goodbye, after which he promptly leaves the assembly. He doesn’t renew the sentiment at the door, then at the gate, and half an hour later in a huddle in front of the car.

‘Hore sunao”:

When the matter that needs to be discussed has been discussed, a man simply hangs up. There’s no room for ‘hore sunao’ in a man’s dictionary.