Quick bedside compendium for touk-show guests
Entertainment industry knows no slump and they say man is a political animal. Then what can beat a talk-show having both the spicy ingredients: Entertainment and politics. Every play has its age and every script becomes terrible bore at last. The script of our political talk-shows is more than stale now. It has started stinking. Like Mushtaq Ahmed Yousifi’s Mullah Abdul Manan who had learnt three essays and three accounts of wars by heart in a bid to pass all exams of English and history, all the guest characters know nothing yet know all to hold forth on any object or subject.
Old brushes know all the corners therefore this refresher course (compendium) has been designed for the new brooms which will surely multiply their cleaning powers. First of all, you must bear in mind that no preparation or qualification is deemed necessary (including this refresher course) to be a guest in a talk-show like the case to become a politician who already you are. Your only qualification is to speak with forked tongue and have a powerful stomach to digest insults.
Never hesitate interrupting other guests as you are sitting in a ‘touk-show’ and enjoy full right to touk them. Whenever find yourself standing on a hot tin, never cry rather smile mockingly like Muhammad Zubair and Ahsan Iqbal. Never answer the question asked instead tell the tales of sacrifices if you belong to the PPP and if the Sharifs of Raiwand are your bosses, start reciting the list of glorious achievements from motorway to metro. Every PML-N man must know about JKT’s plane’s specs and fondness of Khan for the flight and ‘flight’. To be able to recall names of Khan’s erstwhile girlfriends may win you extra numbers for your mark-sheet.
Opponents of PML-N must keep on hitting hard on Maryam’s media cell and claim that it is the biggest violation of constitution in the history of law-abiding nation and this rumour-mill is generating every trouble being faced by the country. Every leader who has lost his seat must have an in-depth knowledge of rigging (tools and tactics) and target only ‘incompetent’ ECP. On being assailed badly for bad governance, ‘dangers to democracy’ or ‘a conspiracy being hatched’ like clichés are like Rescue 1122 services.
If you are representing the Naya Pakistan Party, in no condition, forget telling the audience that Imran Khan will soon become the Prime Minister of Pakistan. It’s the sweetest music you can play for your leader. Making false predictions is too silly a job to be left for Sheikh Rashid only. Never try posing having sources among angels. The PML-N men should never expect any reward for their foot in the mouth disease from the PM house and remember Danial Aziz whenever any such lusty-thought tries settling in their upper-storey.
When any aggressive anchor poses the toughest questions, blame media in general and hold talk-shows responsible for the mess in the country but spare the programme you are participating at the moment. Malik Riaz’s wealth and his ability of buying politicians and journalists (pay to play) is another ready-made answer for many occasions. Note it.
You may touch COAS extension issue this summer but at your own peril. Retired judges, generals and bureaucrats simply rely on ‘politicians are corrupt creatures’ mantra as they are just invited to utter this utter nonsense. For retired baboos only: No harm in inviting military for takeover as you may find some job in case your request honoured.
If possible, simply deny that Panama is a country, a globally known tax-haven. Rather say it is fruit-pulp with which paper is made by a firm named ICIJ. So-called independent analysts should memorize history of failed inquiry commissions from Hamood-ur-Rehman to Abbottabad and vehemently oppose the possible wastage of money on forming any inquiry commission in the future. Khan’s flip flops: every companion of the Sharifs must learn IK’s somersaults by heart. How many and when made. Always remember him as ‘king of u-turns’.
All PTI, PML-N, JI leaders wholeheartedly memorize the lesson that corruption in Pakistan always means Zardari and terror/extortion is another name of Altaf Hussain and MQM. Avoid comments on foreign affairs as it is not a civilians’ subject. Bhutto’s love for Ayub, Nawaz’s devotion to Zia and Imran’s love for Musharraf and Pasha should always be on your tip of the tongue. The third rail: be extra-careful while talking about Allah (religion) and army. Broaching the subjects may bring political death; not by thousand cuts rather instantly.
Pakistan was created for Islam but these are PTI youthians and the vulgar dances presented in Khan’s rallies which are pushing the goal away from being achieved. The guests from religious parties like JUI-F should not let other guests distracting their focus from this point. In emergency situations, must not hesitate sending a save-our-souls-message to Maryam-led media cell if you belong to the government camp yet expect the worst answer coming every time.
Any N-Leaguer must never forget praising Shahbaz Sharif’s good-governance and the number of metro services and underpasses he has yet made. Must discredit Sind government due to Qaim Ali Shah’s age; the tenderest spot of the PPP to hit after allegations of corruption. Remember, discussing judiciary is a forbidden fruit. Always attack the judiciary by attacking Iftikhar Chaudhry’s suo-motos and his love for his son. Praise the courts to the skies when proving that you and your leaders are innocent as the courts have acquitted them in the cases framed by witch-hunters.
Always appreciate Tahir-ul-Qadri’s acting skills mentioning the dramas he has staged so far. But must never mention the days when the Sharifs were his mureeds if you belong to the PML-N. Facing questions on economy, start from Ishaq Dar’s Kashkaul and end at the same point. If you are hurt by Ch Nisar’s tirade against your leadership simply challenge his loyalty to PML-N leadership and declare him ‘asteen ka saanp’.
The word ‘diesel’ is your weapon if you are hurt by Maulana Fazal’s caustic remarks about your leader Imran Khan. If JI’s Farid Paracha is flaying your party, tell him very loudly that his party opposed the creation of Pakistan. If you belong to Danial Aziz, Marvi Memon clan and are embarrassed with old video-clips, go to hell as they say even gods cannot change the past.