Why do men marry?

In praise of our sometimes bigoted society

This is a tough one. Why women choose to marry is perhaps easier to answer, but that is not my topic today.

Recently, a clip from a TV play was widely shared on the internet. A mother, by way of imparting wisdom of life to the next generation, asks her daughter why she thinks a man marries when providing for a wife is bound to be more challenging than employing say, four maids. She goes on to answer her own question, in the process dashing the sky-high expectations of the audience, which is absolutely glued to the screen by now. A man marries, she explains, because it is in his very nature to provide for and, in return, be exclusively adored by his wife. While pretty much par for the course for a Pakistani play, I am afraid the explanation leaves much to be desired.

What have the sages said about the issue? ‘By all means marry. If you get a good wife you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher,’ one hears Socrates from across the centuries. With due respect to the great man, I think the reason so many men get married must be more practical than this. Besides, most modern grooms have no idea Socrates ever said this.

Talking about practical reasons, not too long ago in this very subcontinent it was impossible for a bachelor to get rented accommodation. Where a married man was thought to be a picture of piety and restraint, a bachelor was seen by the society as the devil himself (usually the reverse is true; but that sermon is for another day). For apartment hunters then, being married was therefore a distinct advantage. But why do men marry now that the landlords are not that uncompromising?

The inimitable Shafiq-ur-Rehman once famously remarked (my translation): ‘If love is blind, then holy matrimony is the eye specialist.’ Men getting heads over heels in love with fair maidens is not unheard of. It may be a sign of extreme weakness on his part, but it is understandable if a man gets married while he is incapable of rational thought. I like to think of it as the equivalent of temporary insanity defense in a murder case. But in a society where unions like this are still exceptions rather than the rule, how are we to account for the bulk of marriages?

As far as women are concerned, the desire for having children can be potent enough on its own to make them interested in marriage. While men are equally fond of their kids, few of them really think about children before the latter actually arrive. Children are a great reason to stay together, but for men they are seldom the reason to get married in the first place.

Our society – a familiar villain – is perhaps the single most important reason why so many men opt for marriage. The pressure it brings to bear can be in the form of ‘norms’ to which every man is supposed to conform; it can be an unrelenting insistence on the part of the parents for him to get married; or it can be the stigma associated with extramarital relations. In our neck of the woods therefore, forgoing marriage is sure to result in irrelevance, loneliness, and even disgrace if one is not careful. Spare a thought for such a man. In the absence of family, no support structure is available to him. While there’s no arguing with his very real biological needs, he can’t be seen anywhere near a woman. All his male buddies have long been married. He is therefore stuck between a rock and a hard place. Unless he is exceptionally high-spirited and has a transcendental passion, he won’t be able to handle it all. It is very rare for life bachelors to be completely sane. Sanity wise, married men fare substantially better.

In the West the social stigma of befriending women is non-existent. In many states, the government provides a good support structure as well. Still, the West has not yet been able to completely do away with marriage. That’s because the state can neither remove the inherent risk of loneliness, nor can provide stability to extra-marital relations. In most men the need for stability ultimately trumps the desire for excitement and novelty.

This is therefore one issue where our society deserves praise. Unbeknownst to himself, by yielding to folk wisdom, the bridegroom makes the best decision of his life. Men need meaning in their lives, but with no real passion, no special talent, no possibility for a real legacy, it is not easy for most men to find any. A man can distract himself for a while, but before long the reality must dawn upon him; unless he has truly extraordinary goals and a superhuman determination to pursue them. For the ordinary man, a marriage can render life meaningful like nothing else can, for each of the perpetual challenges it presents is formidable without being insurmountable. Newtons and Shakespeares are of course made of different stuff, but for ordinary Joes marriage is an absolute Godsend.