A job not for the faint of heart
It is widely believed about Pakistani men that owing to their overwhelming dominance, they have prospered at the cost of their women. Especially in the context of the Women Protection Bill, a lot of press is being given to the sorry state of women, and how men are directly responsible for it. I don’t dispute this narrative, especially as it applies to the lower strata of the society. But considering the whole of society, I believe it’s a rather one-sided narrative.
There’s another side to this story which is usually not told. It has just not been fashionable enough, I guess, and many liberal commentators are simply too terrified of their wives’ reaction (so much for the complete subjugation of women!). Others usually shy away from the task of bringing it up at the detriment of their considerable liberal reputations. The conservatives are too busy in their many crusades (most of them violent) to become part of a nuanced discussion. In the circumstances I feel I am called upon to accurately document an important facet of the story. In the following I will try and demonstrate that being a man is not exactly analogous to having a front-row seat at the magnificent show of life.
For starters, being a man is literally injurious to health. Men of all ages frequently suffer heart attacks, many of them fatal. In contrast, women almost never have heart attacks before their late 50s, when age is catching up with both men and women. How is this grossly unfair state of affairs to be explained – is it oestrogen? Is it a case of smaller heart, longer life? Is it because women don’t have wives? I won’t speculate; this is for specialists to answer. Be that as it may, it is tough being a man.
Women can – and usually do – blame men for any and all setbacks. Men don’t have that luxury. Here I acknowledge that there are many notable exceptions on both sides. Generally, though, the buck stops with the man. It follows that every time something doesn’t go according to plan, it’s his responsibility. It’s true even if the plan originated from the wife. Even if thwarted by unforeseeable disasters – lightning strikes and similar acts of God – a man will invariably be on the receiving end of a sermon on how it was entirely his fault.
On the practical side, the expenses are still the man’s headache, even if the wife works. That’s because he is the ‘man of the house’, remember? Here, Islam also comes to her rescue, putting all responsibility of finances on the man. On the subject of paying bills, while the queues for women at collection centers don’t even exist, those for men are prohibitively long. Still, not many women will offer to pay the bill, even with the man’s hard earned money. For the woman, but not the man, surely a case of the best of both the worlds.
It also goes without saying that despite all the enlightenment at display, men still have to change tires, replace bulbs, maintain the car, troubleshoot geysers, and essentially do all the heavy lifting themselves. It’s not that men particularly despise these tasks. The point is that despite all talk of equality, women still expect men to be chivalrous. It’s still ‘Ladies first’. You are still supposed to give your seat to the lady. And women will resent it if you don’t act gentlemanly. Thus in many matters large and small, men are at a distinct disadvantage. Even getting a lift can be an impossible task. With women it’s a piece of cake.
And then there is the reverse discrimination. In the better companies, women manage to find employment much more easily. But when it comes to sitting late for work, it’s usually men who have to raise their hands. If one woman and ten men apply from ‘male-dominated’ Pakistan for a foreign scholarship, we know who the first choice is. Women get visas much more easily too. These things are usually defended by saying that it’s about time men suffered for all the injustices doled out to women in the past. So sons should pay for the sins of their fathers? As if the burden of the original sin wasn’t enough!
On the home front, the children will always be the mother’s – more loyal to her, and more appreciative of her sacrifices. This is especially true of sons. A veteran, who had been at the receiving end of his son’s wrath, was once compelled to say this about mothers: ‘They don’t raise sons; they raise goons.’ This may be an extreme case, but in most families kids are raised by employing the carrot and stick approach where the mother, more often than not, plays the good cop and the husband the bad one, or the bugaboo. By the time the kids grow up she has become the more ‘understanding’ parent, a very satisfactory state of affairs (for her).
Finally, in the context of our society a man is much more concerned about preserving a balance between his parents and his wife. It resembles a delicate juggling act while walking on a tight rope, nay, on a knife edge. It has been observed that the modern woman doesn’t usually bother with such niceties.
The above is by no means meant to be a complaint; it’s merely putting the record right. It’s not a rant against women either; they are charming the way they are. Like men, they are a product of their psyches and the environment. By way of advice for young men however, I have three words: patience, patience, patience. It will take all that and more. And even that won’t suffice nine times out of ten. The test is how heroically you fail. Being unappreciated and misunderstood is the lot of us men. Be content with forever being the unsung hero. Without regard for reward or censure alike, keep happily toiling away, for that is what being a man is about.