Why chess is the work of the devil

Real reasons for its prohibition

The top cleric of Saudi Arabia has spoken on the subject of chess. According to Grand Mufti Sheikh Abdul-Aziz ibn-Abdullah, chess is forbidden in Islam because it is ‘included under gambling’ and is ‘a waste of time and money’, in addition to being ‘a cause for hatred and enmity between players’. As a God fearing man, of course, I accept without question all judgments from the Grand Mufti.  But as a man of the world, I am only too aware of the nefarious designs and machinations of our enemies, who spare no opportunity to make fun of our religion.

I am convinced that these villains will dare us to apply the above grounds for forbidding chess to healthy activities like recreational hunting, camel racing, and motor sports – a dilemma, because either we will have to forbid all these innocent pastimes as well, or else stand accused of hypocrisy and double standards. I therefore find myself in a quandary – while I concur with the conclusion, for once I have reservations about the arguments employed.

One can hardly be too careful about these matters, so it is worth reiterating that having nothing but the utmost respect for the Grand Mufti, I agree wholeheartedly with his verdict on chess. It’s just that in this instance, his arguments don’t live up to the impeccable standards we have come to expect from him. Being a noble creature, perhaps he sometimes underestimates the guile of his adversaries, and is not always appreciative of the amount of evil in the world. In view of the above, here is an attempt to provide arguments that lead to the same sound conclusion, but which are, at the same time, less susceptible to malicious attacks from the haters:

1. Chess takes one far away from reality into the world of illusion. Masses can hardly be expected to gracefully handle the transition from a world where they are plotting rook and bishop moves to a world where they are the pawns themselves. Only real kings can be excused for thinking in terms of strategy and tactics. But real kings don’t need chess, for their chessboard is the world map itself.
2. The chess knights (all four of them) have obvious trouble with the decanters. By moving two squares horizontally and one square vertically (or vice versa), they give the impression of staggering drunkards on the verge of the inevitable collapse in the gutter. Absolutely not a suitable viewing for women and children!
3. Chess imperils the sovereignty of ideological nation-states. It does so by removing mental inhibitions on the part of its players by encouraging them to think, and to play in as innovative and fearless a manner as possible. Audacious attitude like this can easily diffuse into the social fabric; and if it does, it can be extremely detrimental to smooth running of any but the most primitive of societies. For kingdoms, it poses nothing less than an existential threat. In fact the holier the kingdom, the greater are the perils of chess.
4. On account of entailing critical thinking, chess is dangerous for one’s faith. Critical thinking is an infectious thing – it has a tendency to very quickly wander into areas where it doesn’t belong. Once on this slippery road, there’s no knowing what the hapless victim questions next, in the process losing whatever little faith he possesses.
5. Chess trains one to think before acting, robbing life of spontaneity. It trains the mind to anticipate the opponent’s response before going through with a move. A life without surprises is clearly devoid of one of the necessary ingredients of human experience.
6. Chess leaves no room for appeals to emotion. In a world full of chess players there will be no regard for anything other than cold logic. We are emotional animals; and emotions such as blind love, prejudice, and fear – survival tools we have developed over centuries – will have no scope in that world.
7. There’s no allowance for polygamy in chess. It doesn’t allow the king, however virile, to have more than one queen. A king without a harem is a weak king at best, and one queen does not a harem make!
8. Chess doesn’t allow appeals to authority. It doesn’t discriminate between a brash 19 years old and a Grandmaster – the chess equivalent of the Grand Mufti. In chess, it’s the move that counts; it doesn’t matter who makes the move. If we behaved in real life as we do in chess, the opinion of a grey haired veteran would have no preference over a rookie, unless it could be demonstrated to be of more worth. In such a world, hard-earned titles and reputations wouldn’t mean a thing! Can one conceive of anything more unfair than this?
9. In chess, the queen is way too powerful. In fact, she is much more forceful, dynamic, and influential than the king, who, barely being able to move, often proves to be the biggest liability for the side. Not only does this constitute an embarrassing political message regarding the king’s impotence, it also doubles as a mortal blow to the prestige of all men.
10. In chess, a lowly pawn can transform into a queen when it reaches the eighth rank. What impertinence! Now, it would have been a different matter altogether had the pawn in question belonged to the fair sex; but as it happens, the foot-soldiers are all men, and the very idea of a man becoming a queen has implications far too dangerous to contemplate.