Words have the ability to bring someone up or tear them down — which is why you must choose your words wisely. The same rule applies to marriage. You may be married to your spouse for decades, but you should always be careful about what you say to them.
Divorce attorneys and marriage therapists share a list of the most damaging things you can say to your partner and what you should say instead.
- “You never help around the house”
‘Always’ and ‘never’ are two words which spell doom, avoid using them during conversations with your partner, advises psychologist Antonio Borrello.
“These absolutes blame your partner for yesterday’s problems, today’s problem and those that have yet to occur,” he said. “It’s often more focused on attacking your spouse’s character than on finding a solution. Instead, stay in the present and focus on understanding why your spouse does what she does.”
- “You’re being ridiculous”
She might be blowing her friend’s negative comment out of proportion, or he may be upset about the father’s behaviour towards him at the family dinner. In either case, your spouse expects you to understand their feelings, telling them their emotions are ‘ridiculous’ runs counter to that, says marriage counsellor Leslie Petruk.
- Saying nothing
This has to be the worse of the lot. Not responding to your spouse is like stonewalling and closing off your partner from any further discussion or interaction.
“Stonewalling your spouse cuts communication off at the knees,” says divorce attorney Karen a Covy. “It promotes misunderstandings and prevents you from resolving whatever issues you may be having. It can also be a sign of contempt — which is the death knell for a marriage.”
Instead, probe into the matter and ask your spouse what’s actually bothering them.
- “I don’t care anymore”
These words are a highway to divorce because they prove to your spouse that you’ve checked out of the relationship and are least bothered about anything.
“It’s such a blunt way of conveying disinterest,” says divorce attorney Christian Denmon. “A better option is to take a deep breath and decide what you’re really feeling. If you truly don’t care anymore, that’s a problem and counselling should be sought. But if you’re just tired of fighting, make it clear and table the conversation.”
- “Why can’t you be more like him/her?”
Stop comparing your spouse to someone else’s — you’re married to your partner not the one you’re in awe of.
“Belittling your spouse by comparing him or her to another man or woman is a low blow,” says Covy. “No man or woman wants to hear that you think some other guy or gal is better and that’s especially true for men. It’s emasculating.”
Rather, focus on what your spouse does do and appreciate them for it. This might in turn make them want to do more. ”Really, pointing out what your spouse doesn’t or can’t do for you will definitely not make him do what you want,” she adds.
- “I don’t need to tell you where I went”
Keeping tabs on your spouse is definitely a no-no, but your whereabouts should not be a secret either. If your spouse wishes to know where you went there should be no reason to withhold the information.
“What’s even worse than failing to tell your spouse where you’ve been is flatly telling them they don’t deserve to know your where about. That’s a clear signal that you don’t respect them enough to be transparent — and the best way to steer clear of divorce is by being transparent and honest,” says Denmon.
- “If you hadn’t forgotten to pick up the dry cleaning on your way home, I wouldn’t have to yell at you”
Dry laundry is a placeholder here. Blaming your spouse for any issue or problem provokes them which may lead to resentment.
“It leads to defensiveness or just shutting down,” says Peturk. “A better way to communicate is to name how you felt rather than accusing your partner. Say something like, ‘A part of me felt hurt that you forgot to get my laundry because I’m feeling anxious about my presentation tomorrow and it’s important I have my clothes ready’.”
- “I wish I never met you”
Nothing can be more hurtful and damaging than his phrase.
“It’s especially hurtful because it implies that your partner is to blame for every undesirable thing that’s happened in your life since you first met,” says Borrello. “It suggests the bad far outweighs the good in your life together and that it’s all your spouse’s fault.”
But before blurting out such devastating words, take a moment to reflect on yourself and the part you played in the current situation of your relationship.
“Always consider the current situation or circumstances and try to understand how you contributed to the problem,” he says. “In a relationship, you have to stay focused on the present.”
- “I want a divorce”
This one is pretty straight forward, but saying this statement in a heated argument when you don’t mean it may chip off at the foundation of your marriage.
“If it’s a threat and not a carefully thought-out decision, it can move your marriage down a road you might not be ready to take,” says Covy. “If you don’t really want to split up, don’t say you do! If you’re angry and frustrated with your spouse, instead of threatening divorce, try going for a walk or going to the gym. Clear your head. When you come back, you’ll be in a much better place to talk.”