How to still defend the Taliban


    It might be the most difficult thing you do this year, but you can still pull it off


    As of this week, defending the Taliban should rank up there with the most difficult things that a human being can do in the present day. And yet there are courageous souls out there stubbornly defying the odds.

    After what they did on Tuesday, it might be impossible for you to defend the Taliban. But don’t give up so quickly. We have compiled a mini guide for anyone willing to take up the challenge. It might just be the most difficult thing you do this year, if not this century, but here are a few conspiracy theories that you can use to still defend the Taliban.

    Taliban are funded by RAW

    Here you technically don’t defend the Taliban or their actions. You just create a smokescreen and hide their Islamist identity. By claiming that the Indian intelligence agency is actually funding the Taliban, you win the religious war and divert all the anger towards the wrong side of the Indo-Pak border.

    This is the favourite theory of General Pervez Musharraf.

    Raymond Davis Network/CIA/Blackwater are orchestrating terrorism

    Slightly old school but this argument can still work if you phrase it properly. The US mercenaries are orchestrating chaos in Pakistan. They have multiple facilities and access to conduct all kinds of operations. So yeah ditto as above, but more US centric than India. That the US actually did fund these militants over a quarter of a century ago can still be used as an argument in 2014.

    This is the favourite theory of Imran Khan.

    The attackers were not the Taliban at all

    Those who like this theory normally won’t come up with the obvious question that why the Taliban accepted the responsibility if the attackers weren’t their men. So you can use those tattoo pictures from 2012, or go to Mubsher Lucman’s (bless him) page and he has all kinds of creative pictures uploaded, comparing the dead militants with anyone and everyone. The best way to defend the Taliban is to claim that they never did it. Or that they don’t even exist.

    This is the favourite theory of Mubasher Lucman.

    Democracy causes terrorism, Shariah will ensure peace

    Okay, the problem here is that most democratic countries happen to have minimal volatility, while most countries that implement Shariah law are violent and full of human rights abuses. However, since Shariah land is the official Utopia of Muslims you can just put it out in the open and watch everyone just nod their head. After all, the Taliban are fighting for Shariah, and are battling against democracy. Tough to pull off, but not many would argue against this theory.

    This is the favourite theory of Hamid Gul.

    The Taliban don’t burn people; they were Hindu terrorists

    This is the same theory that was used in the Shama and Shahzad Masih case when the couple was burned alive. Every time you see fire, you can chant Hindu. This theory would make the Taliban Hindutva militants and not Islamist militants.

    This is the favourite theory of Dr Shahid Masood.

    This is the reaction of neo-imperialism

    Yes, blame the West. The Western colonialism that began centuries ago, tracing its apogee with British colonialism and now under the safe hands of American neo-colonialism, is the reason behind all Islamist terrorist attacks and the volatility of the Muslim World. The West has progressed because it did not have anyone colonialising it. This theory will get you a lot of fans from the liberal left of the West.

    This is the favourite theory of Noam Chomsky and George Galloway.

    The writer is a security analyst and a conspiracy theory consultant. He can be contacted at [email protected]. All side effects of The Horizontal Column are the readers’ headache.