List of things we can burn to generate electricity


    We might finally have the solution to Pakistan’s multi-pronged energy crisis


    Pakistan’s energy crisis has reached that point where we are now as a nation clutching at straws, and could do worse than transforming said claws into steam to generate much needed electricity. With the winter now reaching its apogee – or nadir – the gas predicament is getting worse as well. Hence, simply put, we are in a bit of a hole as far as energy is concerned.

    The only silver living is that the oil prices are declining. But anything golden or silver that comes from that obviously goes inside the politicians pockets.

    So now that it’s clear that we are struggling for energy, we as a nation need to do our best to contribute to solving the crisis.

    The easiest way to produce energy from the days of the early man is to burn things to produce heat. In the modern world, said heat is used to produce steam which in turn runs the turbine that generates electricity. No rocket science involved here.

    So with time running out we really need to start burning as many things as possible for the greater good of the country.

    Here’s a list of things we need to start off the energy revolution with:

    1.      All Iran-Pakistan Pipeline agreements

    Interestingly though, the Iran-Pakistan Pipeline itself could have solved a lot of the problems with regards to energy, but all the papers that have documented any agreements pertaining to the project need to be burnt immediately. There’s no harm adding papers with all TAPI deals as well.

     2.      Pakistan Penal Code

    Okay, first of all, no one in this country follows rules. Secondly, Sections 295-B and 295-C would end up burning the country anyway. So either we burn the document first or it burns us. Meanwhile, you add more megawatts to the national grid.

     3.      National Cricket Academy’s coaching manual for batsmen

    We haven’t produced one decent international level batman in a decade. It’s the oldies that are carrying us in the two main formats of cricket. Need a new manual!

     4.      Waar’s script

    Not only will that script fuel the already ubiquitous conspiracy theories, there’s a fear that other directors might remake a shoo-in formula for a hit movie in Pakistan. Don’t burn the movie though – the cinematic experience was top-drawer.

     5.      Nawaz Sharif’s speeches

    The problem isn’t that it’s brimming with lies and deceit. The problem is that he repeats the same lies and conjures the same deceit. Maybe if we burn the pages that carry the text, he would bother enough to come up with new lies. Simultaneously, all his lies about Pakistan’s energy situation – and there are many – would be burnt to redemption. How fitting would that be?

     6.      KP approved textbooks

    The textbooks already contained massive doses of jingoism and religious extremism; the new KP books would create terrorist organisations inside the province’s primary school. Burning these books would save the lives of many innocent children, simultaneously helping out in the energy crisis.

     7.      Most of the Urdu newspapers

    See above. Replace children with adult.

     8.      Imran Khan’s love letters

    Not only would the abundance in volume help Pakistan export electricity, this would be a quick fix as well. Khan really is fond of expressing his love through words, and has written 25,121 love letters to himself, in 2014 alone.

    The writer is an energy expert, who has solved energy crises in three different continents. All side effects of reading The Horizontal Column are the readers’ headache.