Our Blasphemy Correspondent
Dubai: Former pop star turned religious cleric turned brand ambassador of fried potatoes turned alleged blasphemer – the man who despite frequent conversions has remained steadfast to misogyny – Maulana Junaid Jamshed has vowed to just stick to suffocating women for the time being, Khabaristan Today has learnt.
Jamshed, who has been in the news after being accused of blasphemy after being disrespectful of illustrious figures in a video footage that has gone viral on social media, has decided that experimentation doesn’t suit him and that he would just stick to being a misogynistic moron for the time being.
“I have been doing well as a sexist, misogynist, suppressive, suffocating, sorry excuse of a human being for the past decade or so,” Jamshed told Khabaristan Today. “It’s only recently when I started further experimenting with religion that I have dug myself this goddamned hole,” he added.
“I will just stick to suffocating women for the time being and see where things go in the future.”
Jamshed believes that had he not got carried away in his endeavour to undermine one half of the global population, he would not be in a mess right now.
“Moderation is important. Even in something as universal as women hatred,” Jamshed told Khabaristan Today. “I just got more passionate. I got carried away. I forgot where the line was. And that was that,” he exclaimed.
“Now I don’t even know if I will ever come back to Pakistan again,” he added.
“But it’s not as if the world would run out of women. Not any time soon any way,” Maulana Junaid Jamshed concluded.
*****
Zardari asks PPP’s patron-in-chief to go to his room and lock the door
Our Politics Correspondent
Karachi: Pakistan Peoples’ Party’s (PPP) Patron-in-Chief Asif Ali Zardari asked Pakistan Peoples’ Party’s (PPP) Patron-in-Chief Bilawal Bhutto Zardari to go to his room and lock his door, in the early hours of Friday morning, prying sources told Khabaristan Today. Zardari, who is the co-chairman of PPP, told Bilawal, who is also the co-chairman of PPP, to behave himself or be ready for a spanking, the nosy sources further revealed.
Reports suggest that PPP’s patron-in-chief wasn’t behaving like a good boy and hence the other patron-in-chief had to make sure that he was appropriately punished. Eyewitnesses to this important discussion between PPP’s senior most leaders reveal that one half of the leadership had locked itself in the bedroom and started playing emo songs.
The other half of the PPP’s senior most leadership nonchalantly sat in the living room and explored the day’s newspapers, appreciating the relative lack of mockery that he has been enjoying for the past year and a half.
Other PPP leaders are worried that the historical discussions and debate between the party’s two most senior members would result in something the party has never experienced before since it’s not used to discussions and disagreements.
“Well, this is a first,” a senior PPP leader told Khabaristan Today on condition of anonymity. “The party is not used to this. We just do what we are told to do. And so does everyone else,” she added.
“Now the party is divided, with one section supporting the heartless co-chairman who couldn’t be patient enough to humour a kid, and the other section preparing to add emo tracks to their daily playlist.”
These are epoch-defining moments for one of Pakistan’s leading political parties.
*****
I’ve got Karachi covered, bro: Altaf Bhai tells Imran Khan
Our Altaf Bhai Correspondent
Karachi: Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) chief Altaf Bhai has told Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) Chairman Imran Khan that he has Karachi covered and that Khan should just stick to shutting down the rest of the country. Bhai was addressing a press conference through Skype on Thursday.
‘Just focus on Islamabad, Lahore and Faisalabad. I’ve got Karachi covered bro’ was Bhai’s message to Khan who has launched his new alphabetical series of plans to continue being the pain in the backside of the government. “Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” Bhai added in his message for Imran Khan in front of the hordes of the journalists intrigued by the shuffling political scene of Pakistani politics.
Bhai has also told Khan that he can borrow workers from MQM’s Punjab wing if he needs any help in shutting down Lahore, or any other city of the province.
“The Punjab wing does nothing all day anyway,” Bhai said while talking to the media. “This should give them a good day’s workout,” he added.
“And those who manage to do well in Lahore might be promoted to Karachi as well,” Bhai revealed in the press conference.