Why Mullah Fazlullah deserves the Ballon d’Or


    Here are a few reasons why the TTP chief should win the biggest individual prize in football


    While FIFA’s 23-man shortlist for the Ballon d’Or (The ‘Golden Ball’ award for the World Player of the Year) had all the familiar names like Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi, there was one glaring exception. Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) Chief Mullah Fazlullah has not been included in the shortlist.

    Considering his ground breaking contribution to modern day football, it is a shame that FIFA has completely ignored him for the award. Fazlullah and his TTP team have redefined football by demonstrating skills on decapitated heads that the likes of Ronaldo and Messi can only dream of.

    Keeping that in mind, and as a protest against FIFA and Sepp Blatter’s injustice to the most skilful group of footballers in the modern world, we have compiled a list of reasons why Fazlullah not only deserved to be nominated for the Ballon d’Or but he actually deserved to win the whole thing.

    Here are the reasons why the TTP chief should win the biggest individual prize in football.

    Neither Ronaldo nor Messi won the World Cup

    The German players should be above Ronaldo and Messi in the pecking order because they won football’s biggest prize this year. TTP should be above Germany because they won the biggest prize in the universe, a place in jannah, on a regular basis. Fazlullah, being the captain of Team TTP, becomes the natural choice as the one who deserves the prize.

    Dribbling with decapitated heads is difficult

    As you might know that a human head isn’t a perfect sphere. And so dribbling with a decapitated head isn’t as easy and doing it with a football. Would Ronaldo and Messi run at defenders like they do if they were playing with a head? Fazlullah’s dribbling, passing and shooting – both kinds – are impeccable despite not playing with an actual football.

    He is the best at following strategic instructions

    Fazlullah is not only a wonderful footballer, he is a natural leader as well. You won’t find many players who can apply the manager’s instructions as well as he can. He can man-mark or mark in zones. He can play free (blood) flowing football, counter attack or contain just as easily.

    He is the best right-winger in the world

    Although he does need support from the left-wing, he is a natural old fashioned right-winger. At a time when the role of conventional wingers is being questioned, we need individuals like Fazlullah to fly the right-wing’s flag.

    ISIS doesn’t play football

    Regardless of TTP’s towering achievements, if ISIS had a thing for football, then no one could have taken the award away from Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – not even FIFA. But thankfully for Fazlullah and TTP, ISIS does not seem to have too much of an interest in football and appears to be more inclined towards handball.

    Of course there are many other reasons as well that highlight why Fazlullah deserves the Ballon d’Or, but let’s make do with these for the time being. Also, if you still aren’t convinced about Fazlullah’s footballing prowess you need to watch their video where they play with decapitated heads of soldiers, as soon as possible. Only one winner after you see the video.


    The writer is a businessman who is planning on launching an Islamist Champions League for the viewing pleasure of football fans. All side effects of reading The Horizontal Column are the readers’ headache.