Pakistani Christians urge the mullahs to accuse the entire community of blasphemy in one go

Our Blasphemy Correspondent

Lahore: A group of Pakistani Christian protestors demonstrated in front of Lahore Press Club on Friday. They urged the mullahs to accuse the entire Christian community of Pakistan of blasphemy in one go, to save the country the trouble of waiting for the eventual purging of the Land of the Pure.

“I would like to humbly request the Muslim clergy of accusing every single Christian of being a blasphemer together,” said Peter during the protest outside the Lahore Press Club. “This could be facilitated by outlawing Christians from reproducing. That way every newborn Christian would blaspheme simply by being born,” he added.

“Another way to go about it would be to simply say that anyone who is not a Muslim is a blasphemer,” Peter further said, while talking to Khabaristan Today. “And of course this would mean that every non-Muslim would by default be a blasphemer for not accepting Islam.”

“However, it would be interesting to see if the Muslims can reach consensus over who is and isn’t a Muslim,” Michael, another protester, shared his views with Khabaristan Today during the demonstration outside the Lahore Press Club.

“It’s hard to wait for my turn,” he said. “One day a Muslim will accuse me of insulting his religion over a petty difference of opinion, and I would be burned alive,” he added.

“Or stoned, or decapitated… whatever is the most convenient for the aggressor,” he further stated. “It’s best to accuse all of us together. The wait for the inevitable is suffocating,” he concluded.

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Charities provide employment opportunities for aspiring robbers

Our Special Correspondent

Islamabad: Pakistani charities are providing employment opportunities to aspiring robbers, recent events have revealed. According to media reports the recent robberies at Edhi and Chhipa charities have significantly decreased unemployment in Pakistan, now that a lot of the country’s youth is a self-employed charity robber.

According to Khabaristan Today’s investigations, the youths in Karachi, Lahore and Islamabad – the three major cities of Pakistan, hosting the biggest charities – are now earmarking various charities to earn their bread and butter through someone else’s bread and butter. Once it emerged that charities seem to have millions of rupees at their disposal and not enough security to complement that, the goldmine was traced. And now the country seems to be brimming with gold diggers.

Khabaristan Today caught up with a few budding robbers, who spoke to us on an obvious condition of anonymity.

“I have a Masters in Structural Engineering and I’ve been looking for a job for the past seventeen years,” said a robber. “After realising that self-employment is the only way forward, I employed myself as a cell phone snatched in Karachi,” he added.

“But now that there are unlimited vacancies open for charity robbers, I think I’ll promote myself.”

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Imran Khan hails Naya Misbah’s Naya Record for Naya Pakistan

Cricket Correspondent

Islamabad: Former Pakistan cricket captain and the soon to be former politician Imran Khan has hailed the current captain Misbahul Haq’s blazing innings in second Test match against Australia. Misbah broke the world record for the fastest fifty by reaching the 50 mark in 21 balls and then went on to equal Viv Richards’ record of the fastest century by reaching the triple digits in 56 balls. Khan was full of praise for Misbah.

“This is the change I was talking about. And the change is here,” Khan said while talking to Khabaristan Today. “Naya Misbah’s Naya Record heralds the dawn of Naya Pakistan,” he added.

Khan said that it was fitting that it was a cricketer who dreamt of Naya Pakistan and fought for it, while it was another cricketer who ensured its creation.

“Cricket is an integral part of Naya Pakistan,” Khan said adding that, “And it’s only fitting that the current captain laid the foundation of the Naya Pakistan that the former captain had envisioned.”

Even though Khan has taken back his demand of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif’s resignation, he says that Misbah’s innings should have forced any ‘honourable man to resign’.

“If I were Nawaz Sharif, first of all I would refuse to be Nawaz Sharif,” Khan said. “Secondly, after the world watched Naya Pakistan being created in Abu Dhabi – on neutral ground – I would have resigned as the prime minister right away,” he added.