Why Bilawal will be the next prime minister


    There are a gazillion reasons, but here are just a few of them

    It has become a fashion to criticise the few rays of hope that this country conjures. Malala Yousafzai is a classic case in point. But another case that we conveniently forget, because of our political differences, misogyny or homophobia, is that of young Bilawal Bhutto Zardari. There might be a million reasons to hate him, but I can promise you that there are a gazillion reasons to love him as well.

    The editor won’t allow me to express all gazillion reasons here, unfortunately. But I can give you a list of the best reasons. Write down The Horizontal Column’s prediction somewhere: Bilawal will be Pakistan’s prime minister in 2018. And here’s why:

    He has promised us Kashmir

    His grandfather became the prime minister even though he gave away East Pakistan and did his best to give away Balochistan as well. Bilawal on the other hand has promised us Kashmir. That’s like the wonderland for Pakistani politicians. And Bilawal is our Alice. Okay, that was unintentional.

    He is from Oxford University

    There might not be a safer bet than putting a wager on the next Pakistani prime minister being a part of the Oxford University’s alumni. That’s because Bilawal has studied there? I sense a weird reaction. Did you think I was talking about someone else?

    He can do growl vocals

    According to reports in a leading daily of Pakistan, Bilawal Bhutto would soon be seen singing Mersun Mersun on Coke Studio. Another online newspaper claims that he would be the new lead vocalist of Slipknot. Vocal abilities are important when it comes to being a statesman. Bilawal’s speeches are already leaving their mark on the mind, ears and various Twitter feeds.

    He can memorise hours’ worth of Urdu

    Unlike his mother, Bilawal has the ability to memorise hours’ worth of Urdu, despite the fact that it’s his 17th language. Bilawal can obviously connect with the local population through the use of the local language. That he can do Mersun Mersun in Sindhi as well, obviously secures the Sindhi vote bank. That Zaid Hamid is allegedly writing his speeches also helps, of course.

    Modi is scared of him

    In addition to getting Kashmir back from India, the most important feather in Bilawal’s cap is that Raja Modi is scared stiff whenever he hears his name. At a time when other leaders like Nawaz Sharif are seen flirting with Indian trade, with Imran Khan doing the same with Bipasha Basu, it’s great to finally see a Pakistan politician keeping Nazariya-e-Pakistan in mind. Bilawal will lead Pakistan in Ghazwa-e-Hind and conquer India as well.

    He is good with rhetoric

    By mentioning pertinent issues like the Balochistan issue, blasphemy and Shi’a genocide, Bilawal has raised the bar on what his party will ignore when they next come to power. And trust me when I say this, ignoring such colossal issues aren’t easy. Only someone with the pedigree and history of ignoring pertinent issues can pull it off.

    It’s his turn

    They’ll be taking turns. It was decided in a meeting between Nawaz and BB in 1991. Zardari has had his turn, with Nawaz being in the chair now. It’s Bilawal’s turn in 2018. And of course Maryam’s in 2023. Mian saab jaan deyo saadi waari aan deyo and all that…


    The writer obviously is a PPP-jiyala as is evident from the nonsense written above. All side effects of reading The Horizontal Column are the readers’ headache.

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