List of people who deserve Nobel Peace Prize more than Malala


    A comprehensive list of all those people who should have won the Nobel Peace Prize this year, but didn’t owing to a Zionist conspiracy


    So Malala has won the Nobel Peace Prize, even though we all know that she did not deserve it. Being shot at is hardly the credentials that justify any efforts towards peace. In fact, the last time I checked a bullet being fired is an act of violence and not peace. So how can someone who caused bullet shots be awarded for peace? Beats me.

    In any case since we all hate Malala, I thought I should compile a list of all those people who had done more for peace than her. This would basically constitute more than half of the population of the planet. But I have short-listed a few top candidates.

    And here they are:

    Vladimir Putin

    The man who established peace in the Crimea and Ukraine. Had he not invaded Ukraine, peace in the country would not have been possible at all. But see that’s the thing – you need to be in the good books of the US to get this prize – Putin on the other hand is just a pain in the backside for the Americans.

    Bilawal Bhutto

    This boy will ensure peace in Kashmir after snatching it back from India. His Twitter updates alone deserve him multiple international accolades including the Nobel Peace Prize and of course the Pulitzer Prize as well.

    Ben Affleck

    The actor is making amends for Argo of late. This endeavour is appreciable and worthy of a Nobel Prize. If he does not get a Nobel Prize in the near future, it would be racist and gross.

    Wayne Rooney

    Just look at his ‘tackle’ on Stewart Downing that resulted in a direct red card. It gave Manchester United manager the peace of mind and took away his selection headache, with Robin van Persie and Radamel Falcao playing up top.

    Fawad Khan

    He tolerated Sonam Kapoor for the entire length of the duration that it took to shoot Khoobsurat. And we are not just talking about her acting here.

    Pakistani cricket fan

    Pakistan cricket team is on a losing spree. Outplayed in Sri Lanka, and now being outplayed in the United Arab Emirates. And yet no dissent at all – the Pakistani cricket fan is a role model for peace and tolerance.

    Javed Hashmi

    The man who basically saved this country from civil war. Hashmi should also be given Sitara-e-Jurrat for going behind Imran Khan’s back.

    Goats and cows

    We were slicing their throats out in the open and they did not retaliate. This is taking Gandhian peace-making to a whole new level.

    Mullah Fazlullah

    Basically all the Taliban deserve this award, but Fazlullah being their leader should accept it on everyone’s behalf. Despite the brutalities of Zarb-e-Azb the Taliban haven’t retaliated at all. No attacks, no suicide bombings – nothing.

    Tahirul Qadri

    Despite threatening to hang just about every person who he could name in the past two months, Qadri hasn’t even killed a single person during this time. That all flowerpots in Islamabad have also remained same also makes him worthy of the Nobel Peace Prize.

    Nawaz Sharif

    He has tolerated Imran Khan for 60 days, without imploding. Make this man the king of the world.

    The writer nominated himself for the Nobel Peace Prize as well, but we edited out that part. All side effects of reading The Horizontal Column are the readers’ headache.