What can ISIS do in Pakistan?

There’s a lot for the world’s leading Islamist terrorist organisation to do in our country

There is news that ISIS (Islamic State of Iraq and Syria) that now prefers to call itself IS (Islamic State) – probably because of a more global plan of action or perhaps it doesn’t want to sound jingoistic or racist – has entered Pakistan. Now, since this is Pakistan and we’re used to hosting all kinds of terrorists and militants, this thought isn’t particularly scary. However the most pertinent question right now is: what exactly can ISIS do in Pakistan?

I mean the Taliban have killed nearly 70,000 people in Pakistan over the past decade or so. Will ISIS improve on TTP’s numbers? If their performance in Iraq is anything to go by, the numbers should increase and so should the goriness.

To whet our readers’ collective appetite we have made a list of things that ISIS can do in Pakistan. It’s basically a buffet of terrorist possibilities. Pakistan is ISIS’s land of opportunity.

Massacre minorities

This one is as obvious as it’s simple. Over 10,000 Shia, Christians, Yazidis and Turkmen have been killed in Iraq this year courtesy ISIS, and in Pakistan they’ll find Shia and Christians with Hindus, Sikhs and Ahmadis as a well deserved bonus. No one would bat an eyelid, especially when the bat is in D-Chowk right now.

Join the Azadi March

With the ISIS taking over the TTP as the chief terrorist organisation in Pakistan, obviously all Taliban apologists would henceforth be dubbed ISIS apologists. There’s one in sleeping inside a container at D-Chowk right now, who would be the first to dub ISIS freedom fighters. ISIS can then join the Azadi March, help dethrone the prime minister and take the democratic route towards the caliphate.

Enjoy pointless negotiations

Now this would be a first for ISIS. In Iraq and Syria they were used to butchering and massacres but in Pakistan they will face a backlash, which would be in the form of never-ending negotiations. The ISIS will have the option of choosing the negotiations whenever they want. They could serve as timely breathers when they get tired of fighting and need a breather.

Curb racism

ISIS can singlehandedly bust the racist myth once and forever that the Pashtun somehow fall for Islamism easily because of their cultural inclinations. When ISIS receives a warm welcome throughout the country, it would help curtail racism that has impeded the progress of Waziristan and Khyber Pakhtunkhwa.

Restart the drone debate

Since the TTP have all become good boys since the operation Zarb-e-Azb started, there haven’t been any drone strikes. Now when there aren’t any drone strikes there is a massive intellectual vacuum that has to be filled among the Pakistan intelligentsia, especially on social media. With the advent of ISIS in Pakistan, the drones would recommence and so would one of the most pointless debates of all time.

Make TTP seem like moderate Muslims

Let’s be honest about this. If ISIS’s exhibits in Iraq are anything to go by, they would make the TTP, al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, et al, seem like moderate Muslims. The unprecedented violence would make Taliban critics believe that the TTP believes in a more metaphorical interpretation of Islam. This would actually suit the agenda of those Taliban apologists that don’t want to be ISIS apologists.

Take over Islamabad

Last but definitely not the least, ISIS can take over Islamabad and re-establish it as the Darul Khilafah that it always has been. This would actually be quite a popular move. Where Imran Khan and Tahirul Qadri have been failing for the past month or so Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi would be successful: forcing Nawaz Sharif into resigning and replacing him as the ruler of Pakistan.

The writer is a security analyst who has saved his apologia for liberal fascist terrorism. All side effects of The Horizontal Column are the readers’ headache.