It is all about the hair, and incompetence
Just when it seemed that negotiations might bring about an end to the political crisis that has engulfed the country in recent weeks, the situation was thrown into complete disarray once again as the PTI and PAT changed their principle demand.
Instead of now asking for the resignation of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif on charges of election fraud, the leadership of the two parties has called on the Interior Minister Chaudhry Nisar to get a proper haircut.
A senior PTI official told us, “We have shown extreme flexibility in withdrawing our demand for the prime minister’s resignation, but we can come to no agreement with the current administration until Nisar sahib loses his mop top. The people of Pakistan deserve to have leaders who do not resemble extras in a Punjabi action film.”
Unsurprisingly, this new ultimatum was met with fierce resistance from the government.
“Somebody needs to tell Imran Khan that this is Pakistan not Toni and Guy”, thundered Railways Minister Khawaja Saad Rafique. “Bad curls are as much our constitutional right as my Village People moustache. We will do nothing that defies the constitution of this country. If that means having to look like the embarrassing cousins of the Brady Bunch then so be it.”
Maulana Fazal-ur-Rehman, currently part of the PML-N led coalition, also expressed his incredulity. “What next? Will they ask us to wash our faces before attending Parliament or to stop wearing clothes from the 1970s and creased in all the wrong places,” he told a press conference.
According to sources the new demands have raised tensions within PML-N ranks. Many are understood to want Nisar to adopt a new hairstyle for the sake of the country and their eyesight. “20 years I’ve had to look at him like that — Imran and Dr Qadri have got a point — a Naya Pakistan must mean naye baal for Nisar,” said one senior functionary who did not want to be named. So far the interior minister has refused to countenance a change in his coiffure and has been left bemused as to why he has been singled out by the protestors when the party leader, Nawaz Sharif, has little hair to speak of and a comb-over that would make even Donald Trump wince.
Meanwhile, there are unconfirmed reports that leading western countries have offered to send a delegation of some of the top hairstylists in the world, including Akin Konizi and Andrew Collinge, to help break the deadlock and ensure that all the principal players can have more refined, more conditioned and more beautiful hair.
There was however some agreement among political ranks as politicians belonging to all parties reassured the public that as soon as the crisis was over, they would go back to being incompetent and corrupt.
“Obviously, the current dharna has distracted us from our shady deals, tax avoidance and wasting the tax-payers’ money on vanity projects, but the people of this nation should rest assured that as soon as things return to normal we too will strive again to appropriate as much as we can from this gloriously depleted nation,” said one MNA we spoke to.
“People tend to forget that the noblest form of politics is serving one’s own vested interests. No amount of protests calling for change can curtail the excellence of this ideal. The PML-N will once again lead the Parliament in the highest forms of unscrupulousness,” said a government official who asked not to be named.
Even the Chairman of the PTI, Imran Khan, was able to agree with these sentiments.
“Well, I try to talk with a straight bat but obviously I bowl my yorkers well wide of the wicket of decency and good virtue. There is a lot of prize money to be had in government and I assure my supporters that we will claim it for ourselves whether or not we win the toss, match or series,” said the cricketer-turned-cricketing-metaphorist before bad light ended his meeting with the press.
One person we interviewed was delighted by the news. “It’s really disconcerting to think that our politicians are not bleeding us dry at the moment. I for one am happy to hear that soon my voice as a Pakistani citizen will once again no longer matter. Siyasatdan zindabad and death to Israel and America,” exclaimed Akbar Javaid of Faisalabad.
If issues of hairstyles and governance can be resolved, then there is no reason that many like him will not get to see their wishes come true.
Comments are closed.