Quotable quotes from the ongoing political crisis

The top 10 quotes of the fortnight, straight from the horse’s mouth

With all eyes, ears and mouths being attached to the ongoing political matchup in Islamabad, we decided to compile a list of the top quotes from the past fortnight. The crisis began on August 14 and has since resulted in many illustrious personalities making statements that they might – or might not – regret. So here is what the who’s who of the political crisis said during the past fortnight that has managed to hog the headlines.

This is coming straight from the horse’s mouth, with absolutely no offence intended for the global horse population. The Top 10 quotes of the fortnight:

1. “No, I am not about to cry. My eyes might seem red and maybe my face as well. But I am under no pressure and I definitely did not cry for the past hour. I was in the bathroom. You cooked ‘bong’ for dinner, remember?”

–Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif addressing his wife before going to bed while hiding the drenched resignation letter under his pillow.

2. “Hang everyone you don’t like. Hang the hot babe who rejected your Facebook request. Hang the restaurant chef who served you a small steak. Hang the annoying colleague who used your cell phone. Hang the rickshaw walla who doesn’t drive as fast as a BMW. And hang my picture in your drawing rooms.”

–Pakistan Awami Tehreek (PAT) chief Tahirul Qadri while addressing his followers who couldn’t make it to Islamabad, via Google Hangout.

3. “Sir, I promise you everything is going according to plan. Just sometimes I take an overdose and say things that aren’t written in the script, but believe me everything is under control.”

–Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) Chairman Imran Khan during a phone call from Aabpara.

4. “Oh my, what have I done? This is not how it was supposed to be. My past, my credibility my political career has all gone to the dogs now. Baaghi my ***.”

–PTI leader Javed Hashmi while looking at himself in the mirror.

5. “So how do you write this resignation letter? Do you like admit it that you are not going to continue being the chief minister of Punjab? How can anyone do that? Why would anyone do that? There’s nothing that makes a human being happier than being the chief minister of Punjab.”

–Punjab Chief Minister Shahbaz Sharif while discussing his party’s course of action for the coming days.

6. “Yeah, it’s Aitchison. The school messes with your head,”

–Federal Interior Minister Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan while talking to media about Imran Khan’s unreasonable demands.

7. “We believe in non-violent protests. We also believe in democratic military coups.”

–Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) chief Altaf Hussain proving his credentials as an eminent satirist.

8. “Oh, how I missed this! The political turmoil, being all cool and nonchalant and clearing the mess like a boss. Oh, how I missed this!”

–Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) Co-Chairman Asif Ali Zardari talking to himself on his flight to China.

9. “It’s a pity we no longer consider dictatorship to be our preferred form of government for the Muslim World. Another military coup in Pakistan would have been fun. There hasn’t been one during my tenure.”

–United States President Barack Obama while addressing a crucial meeting in the White House where the leadership figured out how to blame Russia for the political turmoil in Pakistan.

10. “It’s show time, boys.”

–Chief of Army Staff (COAS) Raheel Sharif addressing his boys sometime on Friday.

The writer is a professional creative quote compiler. No horses were harmed in the compilation of these quotes. All side effects of reading The Horizontal Column are the readers’ headache.