Our Food Correspondent
In a report titled ‘Pakistanis nosedive into iftar’ it has been revealed that Pakistanis have been eating more food between 7 and 8 PM than the entire continent of Africa consumes in a month’s time, Khabaristan Today has learnt. The committee responsible for compiling the report has compared the Pakistani data from the month of July with the monthly African data for 2014 and it has been found that Pakistani food consumption is nearly twice that of all the countries in Africa put together. Experts attribute this astonishing revelation to the spirit of Ramazan that Pakistanis have been touting since the holy month of Ramazan began in July.
According to the report most of the Pakistani intake constitutes of oily food and when the analysis of the respective food intakes was carried out, it was found out that the total calorie intake of the Pakistanis in the hour after maghrib was four times that of the Africans’ mean monthly calorie intake.
The author of the report told Khabaristan Today on condition of anonymity, “The numbers are astonishing when you just look at the data. But when one musters enough perspective one realises that the numbers are not that surprising at all,” she said. “I mean most of the day’s focus during Ramazan is on maghrib and iftar. No one does any work. Ramazan is a readymade excuse for even those of us who do not fast. So when all we do all day is think about the samosas and pakoras ,obviously when it is time to go all guns blazing, that is precisely what we do!”
An African researcher who worked on the report highlighted the hypocrisy of the believers.
“There are children dying of hunger all over the world, and we Muslims continue to consume more food than we really should all because we spend a few hours forcing ourselves to not eat,” he said.
“And to use our hunger and religiosity and shove it down everyone else’s throat? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”
PTI changes the venue for ‘Azadi March’ to Facebookabad
Our PTI Correspondent
Following the federal government’s ostensible conspiracy to thwart the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf’s (PTI) August 14 ‘Azadi March’ in the federal capital, the leadership of the party had been mulling over a change in the rally’s venue, Khabaristan Today has learnt. According to sources privy to the party leadership, PTI has decided to change the venue for the match to Facebookabad considering it is the city where the party has the most followers.
It is pertinent to mention that the PTI Chief Imran Khan believes that the federal government has announced a fortnight of independence celebration to counter the PTI’s quest of taking over the Milky Way.
Sources have told Khabaristan Today that said Khan is absolutely adamant about holding the march. Committees have been formed in order to mobilise people in Facebookabad and senior leaders like Shah Mehmood Qureshi and Javed Hashmi have been asked to focus solely on mobilising party workers in Facebookabad. It is pertinent to mention here that the location of the ‘Azadi March’ was originally going to be shifted to Twitterpur but Javed Hashmi suggested that the mobility of Facebookabad was much better and so were the numbers. However, considering the party leadership, it would not surprise anyone if the party took a U-turn on the change of venue and ends up sticking with Islamabad.
If Messi was the best player of the World Cup then I am Cinderella: Cristiano Ronaldo
Our Football Correspondent
Real Madrid and Portuguese forward Cristiano Ronaldo has pulled no punches in his condemnation of long time rival Lionel Messi winning the Golden Ball as the FIFA World Cup’s best player, Khabaristan Today has learnt. Ronaldo, believed to be the most enthusiastic among the millions of German supporters around the world, was absolutely ecstatic following his side’s triumph in the World Cup final. However, his joy was short-lived when he saw Messi collecting the Golden Ball award.
Ronaldo shared his sentiments exclusively with Khabaristan Today.
“Not saying this because I am jealous or anything – I mean I won the Champions League two months ago and am currently the world’s best player – but if Messi was the player of the tournament then I am Cinderella,” he said imitating the Disney character’s ballroom dance rather too accurately. “He did not even score a single goal in the knockout stages! He had Higauin, Aguero, Di Maria! I had Nani! It’s totally unfair that he gets to win the Golden Ball. I mean the Goal Line Technology was a better contender for the player of the tournament,” Ronaldo whined.
“Might as well give Suarez the Golden Teeth award,” he concluded.