What does it take to get in the Sharifs’ good books?
Legend has it that when a policeman dares to pluck and eat fruit off of a tree belonging to the great Sharif brothers, he is dealt with the swiftness of a demigod. If a policeman is unable to save a pet peacock from a monstrous non-vegetarian feline then that policeman must also be done away with. The Sharifs are no strangers to handling matters quickly when the need arises. Unfortunately, it seems like the only time the need ever presented itself was when a policeman committed a gross offence against the greatness that is Noora and his Choora (ahem, brother).
People were actually pretty settled on the idea that the Sharifs weren’t capable of doing anything but dishing out hate towards policemen that were either lazy, incompetent, or unfed. In a grand twist of events it seems that their hearts are not made of stone as we all assumed. When the recent Raiwind attacks happened we were all worried — whatever would happen to the great leader that makes this country go round? An attack on the capital would have been less frightening. Somehow the situation was brought back under control and of course some policemen lost their lives in the line of duty. Not many expected the Sharifs to care, but they turned around and shocked all of us, it seems.
Whenever a policeman dies while performing his duty, his life is compensated so that his family isn’t left behind with nothing. In general this sum lies somewhere between PKR100,000-1,000,000. However, Noora’s Choora’s heart grew three sizes, in true Grinch fashion, when he realised that this time a policeman hadn’t just died protecting ordinary people. No, he had died protecting greatness! Instead of the regular sum that’s allotted to men that fall in battle, little Choora decided to award the family a grand total of one crore rupees!
We don’t know about you but we think that perhaps this compensation was riddled with a little bit of guilt. And no, not because the Sharifs feel bad that someone died because of them but because they’ve been harbouring terrorists in Punjab all this time. No, that can’t be it. It’s probably because they were just grateful no terrorist got away with stealing any of their fruit or killing another one of their peacocks while the operation was underway. But wow, a big fat crore for dying on duty to Noora and Choora!
Now a lot of you may be thinking this is stupendously idiotic. Are the lives of Noora and Choora more important than the lives lost by any other Pakistanis? Did the policemen that died while protecting regular, ordinary people not die hard enough to deserve the same kind of attention? Were they any less convincing as they breathed their last while simultaneously trying to get someone to safety? Well a lot of you aren’t thinking of the difficulty one faces while trying to run a country and eat nihari simultaneously.
Noora and Choora aren’t from the current generation which is known for its speed and dexterity when it comes to multitasking. Sure, when kids these days do five things at once we all label them crazy, but that’s the way of the future. Now these two brothers are from a whole different generation altogether. They haven’t learned how to do two things at once, let alone five different things. So yes, when a policeman gives up his life protecting him he’s giving it up for people who have a lot more to lose. They have so much more stuff that they need to get done, of course they’re important. And who can blame them? Nihari really is that delicious.
Both the Sharif brothers have had a large hand in all things grand and great. They are truly living lives that should serve as examples to the entire nation. When a policeman behaves badly, they go ‘tsk, tsk, gandi baat’ and send him on his way. And when he performs well by being dead because of them, they reward him in great riches (of course, nothing will bring these men back to their families, they’re going to stay dead no matter what happens, but that’s fine… look at all that shiny money).
The power/water/inflation/employment/whatever crises there are, they will take time to fix, but there are things that can be handled quickly and handled well. This love-hate relationship really had us on our toes for a bit. We can’t wait to see who dies next in trying to protect the Noora and Choora duo, or perhaps there will be another termination because someone steals some nihari — both are equally plausible scenarios at this point in time and we are eagerly awaiting them both.
The author is an avid PML-N supporter and absolutely loves both peacocks and guavas. You can email the author at [email protected] to discuss nihari.
