Lahore
Our Cricket Correspondent
The Supreme Court was informed on Friday that in synchrony with the Pakistan Cricket Board’s (PCB) constitution, a Chinese ping pong ball has been appointed as board’s chairman, Khabaristan Today has learnt. After Najam Sethi had been removed from the post for the 1096241085th time, it was important to find someone who fulfilled all the requirements and expectations of a PCB chairman.
It is pertinent to mention here that the Islamabad High Court had earlier reinstated Zaka Ashraf as the PCB chairman, but after deeper deliberations the ping pong ball has been given preference over Sethi, Ashraf and Jamshaid Ali Shah who had been appointed as the caretaker chairman a day before the appointment of the ping pong ball.
With the Sri Lanka tour coming next week the government, the Supreme Court, and the PCB had been eager to sort out the matter as soon as possible. And it is believed that the ping pong ball has all the credentials that a PCB chairman needs.
Talking exclusively to Khabaristan Today, sports encyclopedia and senior sports analyst Mirza Iqbal Baig has praised ping pong ball’s appointment.
“I think it is a good move. The new PCB chairman would be used to yo-yoing and capable of changing directions with the blink of an eye. Being plastic headed is very important as well,” he said smiling unnecessarily. “The new chairman would have decent bounce when celebrating Pakistan cricket team’s victory as well,” Baig added.
Cricketer turned husband Shoaib Malik had also backed the appointment, but was disappointed after being told that his wife did not play table tennis. “Oh, how the tables have turned,” was Malik’s exclamation. We are not particularly sure what he meant by that.
*****
Pro-Gaza protests most marketable for activists: analysts
Our Social Media Correspondent
Pro-Gaza protests get you most Facebook likes and Twitter followers, Khabaristan Today has learnt. A team of analysts that analyses the trends of social media activism has released a report titled ‘Selective Condemnation Sells’, which has demonstrated that clamouring about Palestinians sells more than bellowing about any other global issue.
“The Israel-Palestinian issue has by far the most hype per casualty ratio and we find it surprising that activism related to the Gaza crisis can garner so much popularity,” a senior analyst said talking exclusively to Khabaristan Today, albeit under the condition of anonymity because she did not want her Facebook friends list to decrease.
“Palestinian casualties since 1948 are a fraction of what has happened in Syria over the past two years alone. But you can shout about Syria all day and all night, and no one would bother,” she added.
“What’s also interesting is the demographics of the people that support the Palestinian cause. I mean from Islamists to atheists everyone is all ears and all heart when it comes to Palestine.”
Another analyst, also on condition of anonymity (this time for Twitter reasons), said that Pakistan particularly was an interesting case as far as reaction to the crisis in Palestine was concerned.
“One would think that Pakistan would have enough problems of its own to worry about and for the activists to cash in, but the Shia, Ahmadi, Baloch et al do not do what the Palestinian crisis does,” the analyst said.
The analysts also collectively advised those seeking attention on social media to post their pictures showing solidarity with Palestine, as a tip for budding activists.
*****
German football team outraged over rape accusation
Santos
Our World Cup Correspondent
The German team has reacted strongly to allegations of rape following their 7-1 triumph against Brazil in the first semifinal of the ongoing FIFA World Cup in Brazil. There were rumours on social media that German players had been involved in some kind of a sexual assault but the team and the coaching staff has resoundingly denied these allegations.
Manager Joachim Low was furious at the accusations.
“We outclassed and outmanoeuvred a top football team, but no, we did not assault anyone,” he said adamantly. “We are not the Nazis or in any way affiliated with Hitler either,” he added.
Captain Philipp Lahm asked the accusers to stop ruining the game of football.
“We are here to play football and that is what we are doing. We would not like to be accused for anything without proof and we do not want to be affiliated with anything misogynistic either.”
It is pertinent to mention here that the rape accusations came to the fore at the same time while the German players were playing the semifinals so it gives the team a watertight alibi.
Arsenal’s Mesut Ozil elaborates:
“The timing of the accusations coincides with our match against Brazil and hence the entire team was in the stadium at the time. I urge all football fans to watch their words and mind their baseless accusations.”
