Fiqh al-Liberali Muslims all over the world denounce ISIS caliphate



Our Liberal Correspondent

Muslims belonging to the latest fiqh, al-Liberali, have denounced the ISIS caliphate in Iraq claiming that caliphate has got nothing to do with Islam, Khabaristan Today has learnt. Protestors all over the world from London to Lagos, from Lahore to Lisbon were seen protesting using various tablets on Twitter and Facebook accounts.

One protestor tweeted, “Caliphate is misinterpretation of Islam. Islam calls for a democratic system”. Another protestor posted on Facebook, “I can’t believe these ISIS guys are going to sit there and pretend that they are true Muslims. They do not know the ABC of Islam. Islam is not savage like these guys make it sound like. Islam is pretty cool.”


It is pertinent to mention here that ISIS, acronym for Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, now known as just IS, Islamic State, has established a caliphate in parts of Iraq and Syria. This is the first time an Islamic caliphate has been established on the globe since the fall of the Ottoman Empire. Protestors have poured in on social media, especially those belonging to the al-Liberali fiqh, condemning the establishment of the caliphate.

“I can’t believe people continue to misinterpret Islam. If there is any confusion about the caliphate we should learn from the four caliphs of Islam. These caliphs never established any caliphate,” another protestor protested on her protesting Facebook timeline.

“At the end of the day all Islamic history is one guy passing some information on to another, and then the other passes it on to another and this goes on for five and six generations. So why not just accept the peaceful parts and ignore the violent parts, like caliphate and all?” said a renowned al-Liberali faqih in a Facebook group.

It is important to mention that the faqih’s post had 21,085 likes and 889 shares.


‘Agar mera roza na hota’ most commonly used phrase in Ramazan: KT survey


Our Ramazan correspondent

‘Agar mera roza na hota’ is the most commonly used phrase in Pakistan during the month of Ramazan, according to a survey conducted by Khabaristan Today. This is followed closely by ‘roza lag rha hai’, according to the survey, with ‘iftaari kab hogi!’ at the third spot.

The Khabaristan Today team conducted this survey in the main urban centres of the country. The team also found out that the most commonly used phrase ‘agar mera roza na hota’ was often coupled with the person making an agitated, frustrated or downright angry face.

Apart from the above mentioned top three phrases used in Ramazan, here are the other five that make the top eight.

–          Iss se roza toot jaata hai

–           Ammi aik paraatha aur

–          Haye samosa bees rupay ka hogaya?

–          Ramazan nahi hota Ramadan hota hai

–          Nahi yaar asal mein tabyat kharab hai


US not knowing the sport’s name considered main reason behind team’s World Cup exit

Sao Paolo

Our Sports Correspondent

Football pundits from all across the world, except the US, believe that one of the primary reasons behind Belgium beating the US in the ongoing FIFA World Cup in Brazil is that the Americans do not know the name of the sport that they were competing in, Khabaristan Today has learnt. American football fans living outside the US have started a petition for the US to stop addressing the sport as ‘soccer’. The petition has been sent to US President Barack Obama, according to reports.

USA's World cup team

“How do you expect to compete when you do not even know the name of the sport,” a petitioner said while talking to Khabaristan Today. “No wonder we rarely do well in soccer… err football,” she added.

“Despite Tim Howard’s efforts, both in goal and on his facial hair, the only reason the US lost was because they constantly referred to the ball they were all kicking as a soccer ball,” another petitioner remarked. “No one has ever been successful by misnaming their allies,” he added.



Rafael Nadal to grow clay in his garden


Our Tennis Correspondent

World Number 1 tennis player Rafael Nadal, who is on vacation in his hometown in Mallorca after losing in the fourth round of Wimbledon, is planning on growing clay in his garden, Khabaristan Today has learnt. Sources privy to the 14 times Grand Slam champion revealed that over the past three years, the Spaniard had grown less fond of grass and wanted to see his garden filled with clay.

“He is uprooting all grass and is importing clay from Paris to make his ideal garden,” Nadal’s gardener told Khabaristan Today. “I think he is also planning on building a tree house as well,” he added.

2013 French Open - Day Fifteen

Nadal’s agent meanwhile has suggested that the Spaniard is considering adding clay to other parts of his massive home as well. “There is clay in his bedroom. There is some in his bathroom as well. I think he will be playing with a lot of clay and sand till the start of the North American hard court season.”



Note: This is a work of satire and meant to be taken as such.