Islamabad
Our Tsunami Correspondent
“Okay, enough beating about the bush, I want to become the prime minister right about now,” Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf (PTI) Chairman Imran Khan said Friday, evidently running out of threats against the federal government. “I will dissolve the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa assembly, the National Assembly, the Lok Sabha, the US congress and anything and everything that can be dissolved,” the PTI leader told Khabaristan Today. According to reports Pakistan Prime Minister Dr Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif has advised Khan to “dissolve Rooh Afzah in water and drink it”.
Khan told our correspondent that he had decisive proof that last year’s elections were rigged. “The biggest proof that the elections were rigged is that Imran Khan is not the prime minister of Pakistan right now,” Imran Khan said habitually preferring to use his name instead of the more customary first person pronoun. “Anything that does not lead to my victory is unfair. I am registering complaints of rigging in all cricket world cups before 1992 and all recent ‘Sexiest Asian Man on the Planet’ awards,” Khan said. “I mean Ali Zafar? Come on!” he added, now fuming with rage.
The PTI chief has presented a list of demands for the prime minister, which need to be accepted within a month or he will conjure his Tsunami. “I want to be made the prime minister. I want myself and Tahirul Qadri to be declared revolutionaries. I want Geo to be banned. I want to be declared the sexiest man in Asia. I want Younis Khan to bat at number 3. I want everyone to negotiate with the Taliban. I want to…” the PTI chief went on for another hour and 27 minutes listing his demands.
“Mian sahib, make me prime minister or I will Tsunami you,” was Khan’s message for the prime minister.
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This one’s for you PIA: Tahirul Qadri
Lahore
Our PIA Correspondent
Lesser known details about Pakistan Awami Tehrik (PAT) Chief Dr Tahirul Qadri’s revolution in the Allama Iqbal International Airport in Lahore, have surfaced. According to reports Qadri’s revolution was not against the Pakistani government, it was in fact directed at Emirates Airlines. Sources privy to Qadri have told Khabaristan Today that the PAT leader is personally worried about the plight of Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) and wants to “drive all rival airlines out of Pakistan”.
One of Qadri’s party members on condition of anonymity talked to Khabaristan Today and told that Qadri is planning on causing similar disruptions in all other international airlines to help PIA overcome Rs180 billion worth of losses.
“Emirates has banned him. He will soon carry out revolutions in other airlines one by one, and soon every single one of them will ban him. The airlines are pulling out of flights to Peshawar, the flights to Karachi were in doubt as well, and now even Lahore Airport has become the centre of a circus. Qadir is ensuring that all airlines abandon their flights to Pakistan, which of course would help PIA overcome its losses and debt,” the party member said.
“‘This one is for you PIA’ was the first thing he said after coming home from his airport revolution,” the party member added.
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Zardari to release book titled ‘How to Deal with Canadian Revolutionaries’
Karachi
Our Staff Reporter
Former President of Pakistan Asif Ali Zardari is working on a book and according to sources he will release it this year. The book is titled How to Deal with Canadian Revolutionaries and is supposed to be a guideline for Pakistani politicians. Zardari talked exclusively to Khabaristan Today, discussing the outline of the book.
“We figured out last year that the Pakistani political scene is going to witness Canadian revolutionaries on an annual basis. And this week’s events have vindicated that claim,” Zardari said adding that, “I think we dealt with the situation masterfully last year and so I thought maybe I could share my wisdom with other political leaders.”
Zardari described the unconventional menace of the revolutionaries.
“These Canadian revolutionaries are not particularly dangerous at all, but unless they are handled with care, they can go as far as causing a military coup. And we do not really want that.”
He highlighted how these revolutionaries are more words less action.
“Rule number one: you do not have to accept any of their demands. Not even a single one. Whether they are asking for the removal of a corrupt government or a military helicopter, you can ignore anything and everything and they will eventually go back with nothing to show for the hassle.”
The former president had a word of warning.
“Just make sure you handle these Canadians carefully. A wrong step here or there would make the most pointless and useless person seem like a revolutionary.”
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Bhakkar Cannibals inspired by Luis Suarez
Sargodha
Our Cannibal Correspondent
Brothers Farman and Arif, more famously known as the Bhakkar Cannibals, who had been sentenced to 12 years for eating human flesh by an anti-terrorism court earlier this month are backing Uruguay to win the FIFA World Cup. Farman and Arif are big Luis Suarez fans and they support Liverpool as well.
“Football isn’t always about putting the ball at the back of the net. It is also about biting opponents and maybe eating them as well. This is why we love Suarez. He plays the beautiful game like it should be played,” Arif told Khabaristan Today.
Farman believed it was unfair of FIFA to ban Suarez “just because he bit an opponent”.
“I mean he just bit him. He didn’t eat him. If FIFA were a Pakistani organisation, Suarez would be leading Uruguay’s charge in Brazil right now, considering we don’t have any specific mention of cannibalism in Pakistani law,” he said.
“Any anti-terrorism FIFA laws would’ve first applied to the likes of Roy Keane,” Arif said.
Note: This is a work of satire and meant to be taken as such.