Islamabad
Our Liberal Correspondent
Pakistan Prime Minister Dr Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif has announced extra “liberal” brownie points for those that were still being sceptical about a war that we have been in for over a decade. The prime minister has also announced that there would be a Ludo tournament played out between the sceptics of the military operation in North Waziristan named Zarb-e-Azb and the Taliban, Khabaristan Today has learnt. The prime minister made this announcement a couple of days after ISPR had announced the operation on his behalf and a day after he addressed the National Assembly.
Talking exclusively to Khabaristan Today the prime minister described the rules and regulations of the tournament. He also divulged the rationale behind organising the Ludo tournament.
“The liberals are against negotiations. They are against drone strikes. And they are against military operations as well. So now a Ludo tournament is going to decide the future of terrorists in Pakistan,” Nawaz said, adding that, “the Taliban are on board.” It was not clear whether the prime minister intended that pun. The general consensus is that he did not.
According to the Ludo tournament officials the rules of the games would be simple and the tournament would be arranging a Sharia-compliant Ludo board to make sure that the tournament is played out according to true Islamic spirit.
“The matchups are going to be like the Davis Cup and Ryder Cup format in tennis and golf respectively. With each player representing either the liberal team or the Taliban team, with every individual triumph signifying a triumph for their team. Every time one of the Taliban players kills one of the pieces of the liberals, the liberal would actually be shot dead and every time one of the Taliban pieces is killed, Imran Khan would block the NATO supply. Imran would also be the official tournament referee,” one of the officials told this scribe.
Another official told Khabaristan Today that the Taliban’s home on the Ludo board would actually be a madrassah and that any of the four pieces of a Talib can blow itself up in case someone rolls three consecutive sixes or in case the Talib feels like doing so.
“All Taliban gotis (pieces) would be wearing suicide jackets while the liberal pieces would be wearing small Galloway, Chomsky and Said masks. Every time a Taliban goti dies the liberal goti would acknowledge that US imperialism had a part to play in it,” he said.
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I’m a Marxist-Leninist-Sharifist: Gullu Butt
Lahore
Our Gullu Correspondent
Explaining why he was on a car smashing spree on Monday, the now world famous Gullu Butt has revealed his ideological motivation behind the rampage.
“I am a Marxist-Leninist-Sharifist. We are against capitalism, and cars symbolise capitalism,” Gullu told Khabaristan Today.
He said that being a Marxist-Leninist meant that he already had a violent streak, adding Sharifism meant that his lawlessness was protected by the law enforcing agencies. Marxism-Leninism-Sharifism combines violent communism with the approval of law, Gullu told Khabaristan Today.
“The ultimate aim of Marxism-Leninism-Sharifism is developing socialism into communism, where everyone but those with the blessings of Sharifs remains classless in the social system and that the ownership of the means of production and whatever is produced becomes the Sharifs’ property. Shattering cars in front of police officers is the quintessential manifestation of Marxism-Leninism-Sharifism,” Gullu added.
Gullu also said that his actions were the “apposite manifestation of a Hegelian dialectic”.
“The cars were the thesis and I was the anti-thesis, and lawlessness was the synthesis. According to Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel’s dialectic such violence would go on until an equilibrium state is reached. According to Sharif’s dialectical materialism, lawlessness is that equilibrium,” he concluded.
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US created Iraq crisis 812 years before Columbus discovered America: report
Mosul
Our Iraq Correspondent
According to a report released by The Guardian columnists and Pakistani conspiracy theorists, led by the indomitable Zaid Hamid, the United States of America actually managed to create the ongoing Iraq crisis 812 years before the country was discovered by Christopher Columbus, Khabaristan Today has learnt. The report highlights how the US sabotaged the events at Karbala in the year 680 AD, and earmarks George W Bush as the primary culprit. Tony Blair has also been dubbed a major accomplice in the epoch making events of the seventh century.
“The US is responsible for the actions of ISIS in Iraq,” Zaid Hamid told Khabaristan Today. “They are the ones who have fuelled sectarianism in Iraq and in the entire Muslim world. This is despite the fact that the Muslim World is united and strong. It is just the cunning West that somehow manages to exploit our minor differences, every single time,” he added.
According to Hamid, the report mentions in detail how Maliki refused to include more Sunnis in the government and the army as a protest against US drone strikes in Yemen and Pakistan.
“Obviously it is a case of the Iraqi leaders protesting against what is happening in Pakistan and Yemen. The drone strikes in these two countries are fuelling the sectarian conflict in Iraq. And Maliki should continue to alienate the Sunnis till the drone strikes stop,” Hamid told Khabaristan Today.
The report also reiterates that it is a myth that Columbus discovered America. The report suggests that the US was discovered by Muslims and that they were its rightful heirs.
Note: This is a work of satire and meant to be taken as such.