The cupcake theory of joy that will ruin your World Cup
Whether it was Neymar’s strikes against Croatia, Robin Van Persie’s header against Spain, Lionel Messi’s goal against Bosnia or Luis Suarez’s brace against England, if anyone of you at any moment over the past week or so celebrated a goal scored in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil, you celebrated poverty. You football fans are the enemy of the poor and it is a shame that all of you staying awake all night, watching the most useless sport known to mankind do not know the poverty level in Brazil. The next time you switch your channel on to watch football, remember that you are contributing to global hunger, especially in Brazil.
Not to sound too narcissistic but you should all learn from me if you are not sure when you can and cannot be happy. Now, whenever I want to rejoice at anything, what I do is I take into account everything that has contributed to bringing that joy to me. Like, for instance, if I eat a cupcake, I factor in all the variables. How delicious the cupcake was; how fresh it was; how hungry I was and how affordable it was. These are then juxtaposed with whether or not the cook that baked the cupcake, the waiter that served the cupcake, the accounts guy that billed the cupcake have been paid properly. I also factor in how many people in the world can afford a cupcake. I calculate the number of people who have ever eaten a cupcake. I then mull over the number of people who have actually heard of cupcakes. That number is then compared with how good the cupcake was. I draw a graph with the scrumptiousness of the cupcake on the Y axis and the hunger in the world on the X axis. And if it is worth it, I smile. It never is. This is called the cupcake theory of joy.
Now all you football aficionados think of the cupcake as your world cup. So when Messi or Ronaldo score a goal, before jumping up and down with joy, think of all the poverty in the world, all those that are homeless – just think of all the misery in the world. Draw a graph between the poverty level in the world and the joy Messi or Ronaldo gave you, and calculate if the joy is greater than poverty. Once you realise that it is not, sit down quietly, change the channel and watch some news channel where they will tell you about bomb blasts, honour killings, rapes and national and international misery. That would further vindicate your decision of changing the channel. In a world where people are being killed in the name of anything and everything, you actually give a damn about Messi and Ronaldo?
Now let us make one thing clear here. The cupcake theory of joy does not apply on everything. It is called the cupcake theory because I do not like cupcakes. Do you think I apply all these graphs and calculations while eating ice cream? Of course not. I love ice cream! Similarly, when I saw the previous ODI World Cup in 2011, I did not factor in the poverty in India, and celebrated Pakistan’s run to the semifinal because I am crazy about cricket! So the cupcake theory of joy only applies to things that I do not like. Maybe I should have mentioned that in the beginning.
The writer is a sad little creature. All side effects of reading The Horizontal Column are the readers’ own headache.