How to get more Twitter followers in Pakistan

An eight-step guide to Twitter stardom

Social media is the most happening place to be. It soothes the narcissist inside every single one of us. We can all pretend to be a celebrity and believe that every person in our Facebook friends list would be interested in our sorry excuse for a life. But we can always pretend to have a kick butt life, by posting strategically taken pictures and tagging all kinds of places.

But Facebook is easy. It is easy to get the attention of people who you actually know in real life. Twitter is both challenging and rewarding. If you can get the attention of strangers, you can truly feel like a celebrity. And there is nothing that is better for your ego than being a Twitter celebrity.

The most crucial things on Twitter is getting as many followers as you can, if you want to perceive yourself as a celebrity and pretend to be as such. And here is how you can get thousands of followers even if you know nothing about what’s going on in the world; even if you are not good at anything; even if your life is a massive ball of nothingness.

1. Be a woman

If you are a woman you already get a 10-time head start. Make it 25 if you have your own picture as the display picture. Make it 100 if the popular opinion is that you are good looking. One of the easiest ways of getting Twitter followers in a country brimming with perverted jerks is being a woman.

2. Tweet about cricket

Normally bashing the cricket team is the way to go, but if they have beaten someone of late it is safe to go all patriotic. If they have beaten India, make sure you dedicate every single curse word you know to India and Virat Kohli.

Tell them how awesome they are. That is why they spend all their time on Twitter, tweeting like there is no tomorrow. Help them fulfill their narcissistic goals and they will help you with yours.

3. Tweet about PTI

Between 2011 and 2013, praising @PTIofficial and @ImranKhanPTI would have got you more followers than anything else. However, the new trend is PTI bashing. Either way, tweet about PTI and you will get attention.

4. Spot narcissists like you

Rest assured most of the people on Twitter are narcissists like you. So spot the ones with the most followers. Interact with them, praise them and they will retweet you. Some of them will even follow you back!

5. Pretend to know more than you actually do

This one is easy. Just check what everyone is talking about, what’s trending and then give your opinion about it. Now that opinion does not have to be qualified at all. Just mix and match and come up with something popular to say. More followers in your pocket…

Between 2011 and 2013, praising @PTIofficial and @ImranKhanPTI would have got you more followers than anything else. However, the new trend is PTI bashing. Either way, tweet about PTI and you will get attention.

6. Paraphrase popular opinion

Ok, if you are caught copying a popular Tweet your credibility would get a serious dent. What you should do instead is just paraphrase the popular tweets and the popular opinion. No one would accuse you of plagiarising and you could come across as insightful and even witty.

7. Butter up the influencers

Yup, that’s right. Tell them how awesome they are. That is why they spend all their time on Twitter, tweeting like there is no tomorrow. Help them fulfill their narcissistic goals and they will help you with yours.

8. Follow lots, then unfollow

Spot the people who have almost an identical number of following and followers. Follow lots of these people, and most of them will follow back. Once you have a sizeable total, then go on an unfollowing spree. All of a sudden your followers are multiple times more than the number of people you follow. You are now a Twitter celebrity!

The writer is a social media strategist and considers himself a member of the Twitterati despite having less than 1,000 followers. All side effects of The Horizontal Column are the readers’ own headache.