Happy homosexuals in sight, and we all fall down
Foster tied the knot with photographer Hedison a couple of days ago. And people reacted in true Pakistani fashion. Apart from the regular astagfirullahs and haw hayes it seems like people had a lot to say – and a lot of what they had to say makes perfect homophobic sense. A great battle rages on in the lap of different social media outlets where Pakistanis are presenting their arguments against this heinous act of love between two people.
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re a nation brought up on the currency of judgment. We judge left, right and centre – from our neighbours’ new car to the icky chappals our aunty wears, we judge everything! This hobby of judging the entire planet uncovered some interesting points in the debate against homosexuals finding someone to love and being happy.
Let’s start at the top with the most prevalent argument: Jodie Foster got married to another woman to bring Pakistan down.
Yes, you heard it, and it makes sense. Why else would an American actress build a relationship with another successful woman unless she’s a part of some Zionist illuminati cult that’s out to get Pakistan. In fact queer people all over the world are being queer just to take shots at us all. It’s a huge hoax! Some research is now proving that this is a valid state of being, but of course that research is done in the west and they’re oversexed and immoral people. What would they know? (And so what if we never make an effort to establish research centres of our own?). It’s a direct attack on the sovereignty of this country and if the Taliban weren’t so busy killing all of us they’d probably target these women immediately.
Followed up with: but girls can’t get married! It’s not natural…
Surprise, surprise! Not only can girls get married, they can also be madly in love with each other. And not just girls, boys can do it too. Only a quick run with Google will show you that not only is this natural for human beings, but also actually natural for a lot of animals to indulge in homosexual activities. So when you start equating animals with human beings and claim “nope, this happens nowhere”, not only are you absolutely wrong but you also sound just a tad bit ignorant (just a tad though).
Next persuasive point in the argument: In a country where children are dying, how dare we talk about two people who love each other?
How dare we talk of freedom of speech or freedom of life in a country where people are constantly in pain and dying? Why should we discuss these things that may actually help some man or woman come out of the closet and live a healthier life? Don’t people know that everyone is suffering from something in Pakistan? To share the news of a happily wedded couple is absurd. There’s no arguing with this point, Pakistanis deserve to only wallow in their misery and never let go of the very foundation on which their misery stands.
Up next: There are no gay people in an Islamic republic!
That’s like being colour blind and saying you can’t see coloured crayons in the box because they’re all shades of grey. Not only do queer folk exist in Pakistan, many of them thrive. A lot of them hide because people don’t want them to exist, but some are brave enough to come out of their ill-fitted closets. Sure, you going on and on about it all being haram forces some of them to lead double lives, but they do exist. They’re more real than your favourite imaginary friend, too.
The most convincing point: All this for the sake of modernization.
Indeed, when there is any talk about queer folk it has to do with modernisation. Why else would people discuss it? It’s a concept that people came up with like five years ago to antagonise Muslims around the world, forgetting the fact that queer folk have existed since the beginning of the human race in all likelihood. This is a conspiracy against the men in Pakistan who actually had a shot with Jodie Foster before she decided to marry a woman.
One of the most interesting points: A good step towards population control. It is!
It’s brilliant actually that so many straight people continue to have kids that they don’t want or can’t keep. Anytime something like this happens, a nice gay couple sweeps in and saves the day by adopting the kids and providing them with a beautiful home. Oh, and this is happening right here in our country.
A fair question: What will stop these women from wanting a man?
An interesting thing about queer people i.e., gays and lesbians, is that they almost absolutely like the same gender. Bi-sexuality is an entirely different story, but if someone identifies as a homosexual exclusively then the likelihood is that even if you paid them to indulge in some hanky-panky with the opposite sex, they’d politely decline.
Some slight confusion: All these people defending Jodie Foster are also gay.
That’s not how homosexuality works. It’s like saying that if you defend a black guy you’re going to turn into a black guy. This line of logic is not just flawed it’s highly embarrassing. Straight people defending homosexuality work under the premise that human rights reign supreme. Before you strike a blow to someone’s liberties you must think twice – so no, saying that two women who are happily married should be left alone doesn’t make anyone gay.
Of course there’s also the argument in favour of newspapers. Homophobic people who would otherwise wish Satan’s spawn upon queer folk will forgive newspapers because they’re only reporting the news. Newspapers are not evil; they’re just telling you what’s happening in the world. Such naivety is well meaning and very adorable, it really is! Every newspaper has an editorial policy and an army of editors who are working to execute it. What you see in newspapers is selective chunks of what you should be shown. More stories about queer folk are extremely needed in Pakistan so that we can develop breathing space for the community here. If someone’s still not clear on how the queer thing works they can always pick up a copy of “My Chacha is Gay” and learn a thing or two (even though the book is totally for kids).
Someone wise once said that being too open minded was a little dangerous, you know your brain could fall out. Scary thought – brain just dangling and then plop and it’s gone. What’s amazing is that Pakistanis have mastered the art of having their brains fall out without ever opening their mind. Take that Houdini, we’re performing tricks you couldn’t even dream of.