TTP’s new insecurity

Jealous of the United Baloch Army?

My, oh my, what have we here! A first class case of jealousy sprinkled with just the right amount of envy? It seems like the TTP are having a hard time digesting the fact that they may have to share their popularity as the number one terrorist organisation around. Ladies and gentlemen, it seems like it’s about to get a little catty.

It’s been a while since the TTP has been doing the tango with the government. Playing a little hard to get fetches some real results, which is precisely why the organisation kept blowing up people each time peace talks were initiated. But it seems like the TTP will have to be a little more careful – it’s about to get some tough competition from the United Baloch Army (UBA).

A few days ago we heard of the UBAs role in the Jaffar Express bomb blast in Sibbi. That attack killed around 17 people and injured many others. It’s understandable how the TTP must feel about this. Only recently were they quoted as saying, they wish they could’ve pulled of something as elaborate as the ‘MH370 hijacking’.

Their statement was in response to rumours suggesting that the plane had been diverted to Pakistan.

So, while the TTP were dreaming big dreams about planes, they were blindsided by this new kid on the block that attacked something more practical: a train. Oh, the horror!

It has to sting when an organisation with close to no resources and manpower ups the ante on their strategies while you’re still prancing around trying to avoid one well-deserved drone after the other.

Then came the Sabzi Mandi blast in Pakistan. While government officials did try their best to pacify the poor little TTP boys by claiming that there was no way the UBA could’ve pulled off the attack, actions spoke louder than words. This time the TTP couldn’t stay quiet, of course. They loudly and proudly declared the attacks haraam. Shahidullah Shahid went as far as to brand attacks on innocent civilians illegal and un-Islamic. He even said attacking Sindhis in retaliation was a low blow since, you know, it sort of oppresses people and what not.

And who would know better about oppression than the TTP.

The spokesman for the TTP further stated that these attacks seemed like they were meant to punish people in Pakistan who loved Islam. A lot of people also found this statement confusing since it’s public knowledge that the TTP’s agenda has been to punish the people of Pakistan. And they do so through full use and justification of religious fundamentals.

It has to sting when an organisation with close to no resources and manpower ups the ante on their strategies while you’re still prancing around trying to avoid one well-deserved drone after the other.

But of course, if the UBA attacks people it has to be a foreign hand. We can’t afford to let foreign hands attack Pakistani soil, that is only the responsibility of the TTP – many of whom claim to be from the motherland itself (yup, born and bred on the land of the pure!).

A few words from the TTP

It’s a classic case of: all terrorist attacks are equal, but some terrorist attacks are more equal than others. Some TTP members have been shaking their heads, one senior member went on record to state, “there was no beauty in that attack, no class, no nothing. So what if it was a clever plot. We definitely condemn this act. Have you seen our attacks? So meticulously planned. And they got just 17 people, what a joke! I mean… we’re better than that right?”

Another one commented “fruits and vegetables are good for people’s health, and with the inflation they’re all people can afford to eat. What kind of barbarians would upset people’s diets like this?” A senior official had a more important question: “Why didn’t we think of this first?”

When news broke that the TTP spokesman had claimed that they had made no attacks during peace talks and it had been the UBA all along, many were shocked. A confused newbie Taliban wondered out loud, “why did we say that we are all for peace talks and several of our attacks were conducted by the UBA… I don’t get it… I’m so confused. I thought we wanted to prove we were better?”

The UBA’s response

We tried to reach the UBA for a comment on how they feel about the TTP’s stance on their recent works of art. To which they responded with the following statement:

Blastoon ka nasha pyare nasha sab se nasheela hai

Jise dekhoon yahan wohi bombs ki barish me geela hai

TTP bhi karti sabko sirf lal peela hai

UBA kare tu saala character dheela hai?

In summation, the TTP needs to now tread carefully. It’s no longer the only beauty that the beast is vying for, and like all beauty queens maybe it’s time it retired. The UBA is fresh, an innovation, and it’s actually fighting for something that makes sense, at least to them, if nothing else. It’s about time the TTP gave up their guns for some fun time in the sun and went back home.