Abayas: What’s not to love?

Let’s make abayas cool again!

Parday mein rehne du pardah na uthao. That needs to be our new mantra as of right now. It’s about time we stopped giving abayas all this heat for no reason. Sure it may get hot inside an abaya anyway, but that’s not the kind of heat we’re talking about. We need to stop this yahoodi jihad against a tool that is meant to promote modesty. Sure, your average Joe might tell you that it’s instead being used by patriarchal uncles as a tool of oppression, but get real. Many women will tell you that it’s their personal choice to adorn themselves in these glorious robes fit for queens.

Let’s forget about the oppressed women for a second. Yes, yes, they make up a substantial population of the Muslim world, but not everything is about them. Geez! Does anyone have any idea the amount of money and time one can save because of the existence of abayas? You go on and on about how women are caged, but they are truly liberated only while using an abaya. To never have to shower again, to never have to wash one’s hair again, to be able to use perfumes like no one’s business – is that not every man’s dream? Well, it’s a gift from men to women. Imagine the amount of cash you can use for other stuff instead of wasting it on fancy shampoos and conditioners.

However, people have their own preferences. For ladies who are fans of bathing regularly the abaya still promises to be the perfect beauty companion. All the dirt, dust and pollution around us is ruining our skin and hair. Our mothers had fat braids and glowing skins, and we’re left with a hankering for the next fair and lovely ad campaign. An abaya protects the hair from all this nonsense and leaves a woman’s hair feeling soft, light and absolutely fresh.

Of course let’s not pretend why we really love those abayas, ladies. Who wouldn’t want to instantly get elevated to the status of a pious being? You want people to fear you? To respect you? To want to be like you? Well the abaya takes care of all of that in one good sweep. The best part is that once a woman puts on her abaya, she immediately becomes better than everyone else around – especially women that don’t bother with keeping their modesty safe. The look on people’s faces is absolutely priceless when they realise that God chose to save the ladies in black. The right path definitely has its own perks. Who would dare interrupt you in your holiness as long as you look great in your favourite type of two piece?

Did you know that women who wear abayas are never harassed on the roads? Tharkees who would hit on a rock that looked like a woman back away when they see such a woman. She is their sister, she is their pride. Women in abayas are also never raped. It’s a fool proof strategy for people who are in dire need of protecting modesty. A lot of people slam on abaya clad women when they interact with men, lekin unka dil nai hai kya? In fact as soon as you strap yourself into one of these brilliant things you can talk to just about any guy you want without having to worry about being labelled into “those” kinds of women. You know, the ones who go ahead and talk to men anyway even though they have nothing to conceal their real identities.

But modesty isn’t the only thing you can achieve with these lovely things. What good is an abaya if you can’t go a little crazy and have fun with it? It doesn’t matter what you wear underneath and you don’t have to follow any boring social norms either. But forget what’s inside, it’s what’s on the outside that counts. Abayas don’t have to be boring old black form subduing things anymore. You can opt for a form flattering number or find something with just the right amount of oomph needed to grab everyone’s attention. You might like the classic vampy look with smoky eye makeup that will help you lock in the gaze of anyone you want. Now some people will try to abaya-sham you into getting something simpler, but thumb your beautifully concealed nose at these depraved souls and move on. These fahash women can spend Rs50,000 on designer dresses but a well made abaya which costs half as much becomes a thorn in their side when it’s spent for Allah Mian.

There are so many perks of abayas that it would take around a thousand articles to just articulate maybe half. They also double as aids for crossing busy roads. With an abaya you can literally close your eyes and start walking and all the cars, trucks, bikes, etc will screech to a halt in your honour. It’s about time women got over having to look left and right before crossing a road. The list could go on and on; it’s absolutely endless.